Home To Me

Sometimes it feels like my life is taking much too long. I get very impatient waiting for the moment I cross the veil and get to embrace my son again. I often wonder how I am going to make it decades more without him physically with me when I am so eager after only 7 weeks. How do I even begin to mend the big hole I feel each time it hits me that he is gone? How do I keep living life when all I want is to hold my baby? Luckily, when I am feeling like this it doesn’t take long for the lord to send me comfort. This morning while I was getting ready he did so through music.

One of my favorite groups is Gentri. Many of their songs have been a lot of help these past weeks. This morning their song “Home” came on and gave me such a sense of hope and peace. The words they sung spoke to my soul and hit all my emotions perfectly. While I was listening I closed my eyes, and could picture Colt singing the verses to me. (I often like to think he would have been a great singer like his dad). I felt a few tears fall down my cheeks as I took in all the words and let them fill my heart…

Sudden I left you, so far away

Unknown my day of return

If I could write you, words that would stay

I'd give you a promise to hold

That we never end

Dry all your sorrows, though bitter they be

Our parting be a moment that fades like a dream

And soon dear you'll find me where the stars meet the sea

Safe in the whisper that calls you home to me.

Your heart though it's aching, burdened and frail

Longing to follow behind.

But if I could give you, a gift that remains

Love that endures through all time

Never to end

So dry all your sorrows, though bitter they be

Our parting be a moment that fades like a dream

And soon dear you'll find me where the stars meet the sea

Safe in the whisper that calls you home to me.

If I could show you (just) for a moment beauty unseen

Peace that surrounds you (and) hope that leads you home to me.

And soon dear you'll find me where the stars meet the sea

Safe in the whisper that calls you home

That calls you home

That calls you home to me.

I do long for Colt, I have great sorrow trying to live without him. But I know, with a sureness, that my time here without him will be like a moment. I think that when I return home I will laugh at how impatient I was here waiting to be with him again. I know that he is often with us, and have had several friends and family members tell me stories of feeling Colt with them. He is now one of the angels, helping our Father in Heaven lead us home to be with them all again. Heavenly Father, with the help of his angels are in every little detail of our lives. I have personally felt them with me every second in the days after Colt’s death. These words ring so true to me:

“If I could show you (just) for a moment beauty unseen

Peace that surrounds you (and) hope that leads you home to me.”

I believe that if we could see our ancestors and posterity who surround us, we would be in awe. We are not alone, we will never be alone. Although I cannot physically see and touch my son, I know he is with me. That doesn’t stop me from wishing time to move a little faster, but it is a huge comfort. I am learning what it means to ‘hold him in my heart’ while I can’t hold him in my arms, but I know that one day I will. One day our family will again be complete. Until then, I will keep listening to this song, and find peace as I live with faith.

Richard's Tribute to Colt

My life has been filled with many roles. A son, a friend, a captain, a missionary, a teacher, a husband… These many roles have blessed my life and provided opportunities for me to grow, mature, learn and progress as my Father in Heaven would want me to. Nearly six years ago I become a husband. I was blessed with God’s most precious daughter to spend eternity with and to walk through this life with. For her I am truly grateful, and humbled by her strength and goodness. Together we have made a wonderful story and at the center of that story is my most treasured role. This role is divine, it is eternal, and it has brought to me the most sublime joy that I could ever experience. I am a father.

I hear that title and I begin to wonder, now more than ever, what that role means to me. When I think of the word father, I am lead to think of the greatest father of all. I know that our Heavenly Father also has many roles. He too is a son, a companion, the God of Eternity, Master of the Universe, Architect of Worlds, the Beginning and the End. With all of these other duties and roles he fulfills, how could he possibly have time to be a father to me? Someone that protects, teaches, forgives, and encourages us to move forward. Could it be that He, the greatest of all, finds one role more precious than all others? In the book of Moses we learn of His most treasured task, His very reason for existence when he says, “This is my work and my Glory, to bring to pass the immortality and Eternal Life of man.” His most sublime joy comes from his role as a father, and watching His children return to be with him.

So here I am, a father, fulfilling the most divine and precious role that I could be entrusted with in this life and for eternity. That role is made perfect by my sweet daughter Graci and her little brother Colt. They are truly my greatest blessing.

Colt came into our lives on October 19, 2016 at 6:54 pm in Springfield, Missouri. From the moment we met him we felt that we were in the presence of a choice spirit, one more valiant than most. His first days on earth were filled with sleeping close to his mother’s heart where he felt peace and safety. We learned that he loved to be held close at all times, which made for several weeks of sleeping in recliners and his immediately waking up if laid down. Looking back, perhaps his sweet spirit knew of his mission and did not want us to miss out on any time with him.

Colt spent the majority of his precious earth life here amidst the snow capped peaks and rolling foothills of Paradise. He loved to explore and often walked with Braquel along the canal road being entertained by his big sister in the stroller. In the winter he rode on my chest as we pulled the other children behind the snowmobile. He loved being outside, and he wanted to experience everything, even if he fell asleep doing it.

Colt not only loved the outdoors, but also making people smile. At church on Sundays he would stand in our laps, squealing and jumping while smiling at everyone behind him. I’m certain that several people heard more from Colt than they did from the speakers in Sacrament. His sweet spirit loved to spread joy to everyone around him. He really was our little angel.

Colt was the true definition of a “momma’s boy”. From the very beginning he had a special connection with his mother. No one could quite snuggle him, calm him, and love him quite like mommy, and he knew that. His Nana will even admit that it didn’t matter what game was being played or what silly face was being shown, if his mommy walked in and he heard her voice, his head spun, his body lunged, and his army crawling sprint couldn’t get him to her quick enough. He loved his mommy, he loves his mommy, and he will always love his mommy.

After mommy came Graci. Graci had a bond with Colt that most parents perhaps only dream of for their children. She wanted to be with him everywhere. She sang to him as they played and giggled with him when they were in their jammies before bed. She is the greatest big sister and looks forward to when she can play with Colt again.

What else can a father say? What words can express what we as parents feel about Colt?

Lightning. Life is a storm. The rain falls, the thunder claps, the wind blows and we often wish we could just curl up and wait out the storm. But then, the lightning strikes. The darkness is dispelled by brilliant light and our minds fill with wonder and awe as we finally see the beauty in the storm. And although the brilliance and physical splendor of the lightning comes and goes faster than a blink, we are left with hope because we remember how we felt when we saw that perfect brightness. We can’t wait for the clouds to darken and the rain to fall because we remember the joy that will soon follow. Colt was a lightning bolt. His time with us was short, but his light was seen and the impact felt by everyone that knew him. He has given us hope, looking forward to the storm before us, because we know that we will see his light again and feel his love as we embrace him as a family, together forever. For a time we will mourn. The clouds will darken and we will want to hide away in search of safety. But he will be there, showing us the beauty of the storm, one bolt of lightning at a time.

I want to share a scripture that gives me hope for what will come. “And now after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him, that He lives! For we saw Him, even on the right hand of God, and we heard the voice bearing record that He is the Only Begotten of the Father—That by Him, and through Him, and of Him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God.”

Our little Colt is perfect, and he lives with God in perfect happiness. With the help of our Savior, we can all become just as they are, as we weather the storm and find the beauty and light amidst the darkness. We will see him again, and what a sweet day that will be.

 -Richard/Daddy

 

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here

We feel you all around us
Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my forever love
And you are watching over me
From up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while to know you're there
A breath aways not far to where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dreams
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

Cause you are my forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will live on
And never leave
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while to know you're there
A breath aways not far to where you are

We know you're there

A breath aways not far to where you are

"To Where You Are" - sung by Richard 

Our brothers...the last ones to carry Colt...love them forever

One Month

It’s been one month. One month since I looked into Colt’s big blue eyes, and heard his contagious giggle. One month since we played peek-a-boo and I bounced him to sleep. One month since I received one of his slobbery kisses and watched him crawl all through the house. One month. I have no idea how that much time has passed, how I’ve survived it, or how I’m going to make it hundreds of more months without him. It’s been a month of extreme ups and downs, full of moments of unimaginable grief and others of amazingly tender blessings. 

 

There are many things I have clung to since Colt passed away. I love holding his pictures, cuddling his blankets, and writing about his life. This week I have been planting him flowers and designing our Team Colt running shirts. It helps me to keep him around and always near. I have several pieces of jewelry that I was given after he died; each with its own special meaning and purpose. I choose one carefully each morning to help me get through the day. I hold him close. My heart longs for him. I hate trying to live without him.

There have been many times throughout this month where I have asked, “why?” I have often thought of how hard it was for us to get a second child here, just to have him taken away. I think back on the years we spent trying to conceive, and how they ended in miscarriage when we did. Finally, we got our perfect angel… and he was. Why did we have to go through this hard trial? Why does anyone have to go through the loss of someone that was supposed to outlive them? I may not know much, but I do know that this trial is mine and there is a reason that it happened. Heavenly Father didn’t just give me this on a whim, but I knew it would happen before I even came down to this earth.

The hard part is moving past the “why’s”, and trusting in the Lord. He has promised that “all things must come to pass in their time.” The trials we face have a divine purpose, and are there to help us come unto Christ so we can receive all the blessings he wants to bestow upon us. The question is; am I strong enough to walk by faith and endure to the end? That is the true test of mortality, and one that I am praying to have the strength for. I never imagined something happening in my life that was this difficult. I never imagined the patience I would have to learn as I wait to join my son. I am growing, I am learning, I am being molded into a better person.

While I have clung to many things since Colt’s death, the thing that helps me most is my testimony. I know that Heavenly Father’s plan is perfect. I believe this with all of my heart. It doesn’t make it easy, but it keeps me humble. I also know that Colt is with me often, and that I will get to hold him again. I can’t imagine going through life without this knowledge. It is what keeps me going and makes me want to be better. I know he is happy and wants me to be happy, and I know that I can make it through this life, even joyously, and have my eternal family together again.

I don’t have all the answers, very few actually; and I don’t know why some of us have to go through the trials we do, but I know enough. I know enough to have faith. I know enough to keep moving forward. I know enough to make peace with losing my precious baby and let God carry me. While there have been dark times this past month, there have also been so many blessings. I have literally felt the angels helping me stand, helping me function. God’s hand is in our lives so much deeper than anyone on this earth can begin to comprehend. He loves us, and just wants us to make it home.

So, while this past month has been the hardest of my life, I am standing strong. There are times when I can’t bear the pain, and I may cry all day, but during those times I turn to the Lord and he helps me find my footing again. I don’t know if I will ever feel complete during my time here on earth, but I have faith that I will one day. And until that time comes I will cling to the things that make it easier to bear, and face each storm that comes with faith.

“You went away…how dare you…I miss you…they say I’ll be ok…but I’ll never get over you.”

-Over You, Miranda Lambert