I had a hard time in the days leading up to this anniversary, probably for
obvious reasons, but it didn’t make a lot of sense to me at the time. I am
usually so good at keeping trials in perspective and not letting them get me
down. Not a couple days ago… not last week… I was having a hard time, and I
couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. I wanted my pain to go away…
I remember going through a time where I was extremely bitter towards
everyone who tried to compare their incident of a miscarriage to my losing Colt…
I have experienced both, and couldn’t see how anyone could compare the two, let
alone try to tell me that they understood what I was going through… They didn’t…
To me, there was no comparison between a miscarriage or losing a child.
There was one night that I was so angry at people for downgrading my pain,
by comparing it to their own “lesser pain”, that I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up
very late, unable to wrap my head around what I was feeling… I started reading
articles and blog posts on the subject. Most of them had no idea what they were
talking about because they had only experienced one of these trials. Then I
came across an article of someone who had experienced both a miscarriage and
the loss of their child (just like me)… and it changed me.
While the writer shared many of my same feelings… that these trials and
losses are VERY different… he also wrote: “Too often we compare our misfortunes
with others, ‘upping the ante’ and thinking to ourselves, ‘Well, that’s not a
big deal what they went through – they only had a miscarriage. I’ve been
through much worse…’”
Wow!
That is such a powerful statement to me, which made me realize… pain is
pain… Why does it matter if my pain over losing my 6 month old son is less or
more painful than someone else’s pain over a miscarriage? Because in actuality,
maybe our pain is more similar than I was realizing. Who am I to say that I get
to grieve more… that I know because I have done both… that my pain is more
validated than theirs…
While I have been through a lot, there are also things that I have not
experienced… I have never had to watch my child suffer in a hospital bed, and
eventually succumb to their disease… I have never held a baby in my arms who
didn’t get to take their first breath… I have never heard the devastating news
that I would never bear my own children…
We all have a different story, and we all experience pain in a different
way… Nobody can understand my pain because they didn’t have the same relationship
with Colt that I did… Just how I can’t understand others pain because I haven’t
walked in their shoes…
Instead of trying to measure pain, I have learned to love. I have thrown
out the comparisons and realized that when people feel pain, it doesn’t matter
why.
Last week I was sad… I wanted to trade places with someone who had never
lost a child… I wanted that pain to go away. In those moments I thought I would
trade anyone else’s trials for my own. But the truth is, everyone feels pain…
everyone suffers… everyone has trials… everyone has good days and bad… everyone
wishes they lived a different life at times…
I actually really love my life… I wouldn’t trade it for the world! And
while sometimes the pain gets to be more than I can bear, I know that one day
it will all be made right. Everything I think I am missing out on right now
will be made up to me in heaven. God did not intend for my happiness to end
when my son died, but he did want me to learn how to see the miraculous
goodness, in the midst of trials, that is flooding into my life every day.
My uncle posted this quote on facebook today… It seemed perfect for me to
hear at a time when I have been struggling to love my own life:
“Don’t be gloomy. Do not dwell on
unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.
Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. ‘Accentuate the positive.’
Look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your
eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love
life.” – Gordon B. Hinckley
I know that when I am looking for the positive, counting my blessings,
and giving thanks to my Father in Heaven, I am a MUCH happier person. When I forget
myself and serve others, I start finding my purpose, and see more clearly the
light.
I believe we were so excited to come to this earth and experience it… all
of it. I believe with all my heart that I agreed for Colt to die. I don’t know
if I realized how hard it would be, but I know I was excited to prove to my
Father in Heaven that I could be his faithful servant, no matter what.
It’s ok to have bad days… weeks… months… or maybe even years… Your pain
is your own, and it’s ok to feel it. But, when you’re ready, put on a smile and
see what adventure this world has waiting for you next.
The article I read can be found here: http://www.mikeskiff.com/is-a-miscarriage-the-same-as-losing-a-child/
