Its Ok to Not be Ok

Today I am supposed to have an 11 month old boy... Today I am wishing I was snuggling that boy, relishing in his last month of his first year, instead of cleaning the house and looking for a job... Today I am sad… Today I wish my life were different...

It has been rough lately, with so many things going on with family... events for Colt… Graci's 5th birthday... I miss him. I sat watching my daughter, so excited on her birthday five days ago, and my heart began to ache... Never would I get to experience my son unwrapping his gifts, or picking out his birthday cake... Never would I get to give him a birthday interview and measure him on our height chart to see how much he’d grow… Never…

Except, maybe… just maybe… I might get to someday. I don’t have all the answers, and I definitely don’t know as much as I probably should, but I do understand that one day my sorrows will be gone, and I will get my son back. I just have to make it through these hard days (sounds easy right??). I may not cry every day, in fact some days I can see the beauty of my life so clearly… but, not a day goes by that I don’t miss my son, or feel his absence… Even the times that I can feel him close seem to pale in comparison to the giggles, snuggles, and joy we experienced when he lived in our home…

Today is a hard day… even with the lord sending people right & left to help me through. The friend who brought us cookies yesterday… the one who posted a quote on facebook, which I desperately needed to hear, today… the thoughtful gift of my amazing brother… the outfit that just happened to be returned and back on the shelf at the store, which was one of my favorites of Colt’s, that I got rid of before he passed (I bought it)… the smiles, kind words, and love of numerous family and friends have been flooding into my life. The Lord is watching out for me… even though I have been far less than perfect lately… I don’t feel so alone… but nothing can make the pain subside sometimes…

So today, I don’t get to show off my amazing 11 month old, share all the new things he can do now, start planning an epic 1^st birthday party, or be in shock that we are almost to that 1^st birthday… I get to be sad, and that’s ok too.

Hike to the Wind Caves

We hiked the Wind Caves on Labor Day for Team Colt, and it was the BEST!!!

This girl, here ^^, is AMAZING! She is one of the best people I know! So, we decided to dedicate this hike to her Mom, who has been gone nearly 14 years, Ruth La Dawn Watterson Starks.

Team Colt loves reaching out to others, and letting them know we are with them through the many trials life throws at us. We love that we were able to give our dear friend a small dose of comfort, in knowing that we knew her struggle, and we will NEVER forget her dear mom.

4 La Dawn, is what we wrote on us! (although I know its hard to see in the picture!) I will always think of her whenever I do this hike again!

It was fun having so many of our family with us for this event! Both sets of Colt's grandparents, several of his aunts & uncles, most of his cousins, and a handful of his extended family were able to hike with us! I always get a little emotional when we do an event for him, but this one was especially special, because it is the first one that we have had all four of our parents with us.

Also, do you just LOVE our Team Colt shirts!?! Cuz I absolutely do!!

Just look at our awesome (& BIG) group! I love each of these people with my whole heart!

It wasn't an easy hike for some of these guys, but they all did it, and with a smile! Geez, we have some amazing family and friends!

Lisa and Holly painted rocks for Colt & La Dawn, which we left at the top! How awesome are they!?! (although one fell off the cliff and was lost!) I hope they are there next time we go!

And last, but not least, look at my sweet Graci! She LOVES doing all the events for Colt, and gets so excited to win each one for him! She was the first one to the top in our group, with Gpa Woodland, and ran much of the way! I love how close she makes me feel to Colt, and hope she always feels that love for him that she does now. Their bond has truly held strong, even though they only spent 6 1/2 months together on earth!

BEST LABOR DAY EVER!!!

Also, its been 4 months since Colt's Angel Day, and while its been the worst 4 months of my life, its also been amazing to feel God's love individually for me and my family. I know I have some HARD months ahead of me, but with God and these people by my side, I know I can do it! #milesforCOLTman

Love you Bubba, miss you ALWAYS!! <3

The WORST Day

*Warning! This post contains the events of the day that Colt passed away. I had a friend send me a blog, not too long ago, that went through the events of the day she (the writer) had lost her baby girl to SIDS. She died nearly 8 years ago... but that blog post was the first time I felt like someone understood what I had gone through. So I decided to write my own post about MY worst day, and hope it may find its way to another grieving mother someday, and help them. 

Sunday, May 7^th started like any other Sunday… Colt was wearing his plaid button down shirt and khaki pants. We took him and Graci to church, where he spent the first part with Nana and McKinley. He loved playing with them and Graci, but kept smiling at Richard and I when he would see us down the row. About half-way through the meeting, he got fussy enough I had to take him out. I bounced him as I walked up and down the hallway (just like every other Sunday). It took almost until the end of the meeting, but it finally happened… he fell asleep.

I usually sent him to Sunday school with Nana while Richard and I taught our class, but since I had just gotten him to sleep I took him with us. He slept for about half the class, cuddled in my lap. He hadn’t slept in my arms for a LONG time, and I remember feeling so blessed that I got to hold him while he slept again. Once awake, he stole the show! The kids had a hard time paying attention with his wiggly self in there. They laughed when he chewed on Richard’s fingers, were grossed out by the slobber he left on Megan’s key chain, and loved how he giggled whenever he looked at me as he crawled around our classroom floor. Tyler held him… awkwardly… and everyone laughed... It wasn’t the most reverent class time, but it was pretty fun! 
Then we went to Relief Society where he stood on my chair and talked to all the ladies behind us, played with his best church friend, and ate some of his yummy snacks. We made it all the way through Relief Society without a trip to the hall, which was a first for him! All the women made such a fuss over how happy and cute he always was.

                He went down for a nap right after church. We ate lunch and wrestled around the living room floor as a family. It seemed like the perfect Sunday. Later, Richard and I went outside to relax on the porch swing. After a short while Graci came down and told us Colt was awake. We went back inside and found him crawling all over the living room. Richard fed him while I went on a walk up the canal road. I didn’t walk on this road much because it was too hard to push a stroller on, but it was my favorite place to go.

This time, however, I felt strange... The thought kept coming to me, “This is going to be the worst day of your life”. It played over and over in my head. I couldn’t shake the feeling that a rattle snake was going to bite me, but made it home safely. I didn’t think too much of it, though, because that saying had been in my head quite often the past two weeks. Just two Sundays ago we had a guest speaker in class, who talked about the day he tragically lost his mother and sister in a double homicide. The Lord had been with him through the whole thing, and he distinctly heard those words that had been repeating in my mind on the day he found them dead. They stuck with me…

 When I returned, I found Richard and Graci, outside, trying to fly her kite, while Colt was inside with everyone playing on the floor. He wasn’t up for too long before he started getting tired again. (Sunday’s were a little hard because they messed up our routine.) I swept him up from the floor and took him into our room. He snuggled on my shoulder for a moment when I gave him his favorite turquoise blanket. Then I gently laid him down in his crib, put his blanket on his left side just how he liked, and whispered ‘I love you’. He slowly rolled to his right side, looked up at me with a sleepy smile, and closed his eyes. I walked out of the room and shut the door behind me, not knowing that would be my last interaction with my son.

                We ate dinner, and I went out to the trees to lay in the hammock. Colt had been asleep for about 2.5 hours. I was only in the hammock for 5-10 minutes before I heard strange noises coming from the house. After a few seconds I thought I heard screaming and my name being called out. Something told me there was something horribly wrong. I ran as fast as I could to the house and I kept yelling, “what is going on?” to my family that was out on the deck. Nobody knew… I stepped inside and my brother, Devin, told me to “Get back there now!” and pointed towards my bedroom. I rounded the corner to the hall and saw the worst sight my heart could ever possibly imagine. Richard was hovered over Colt on the floor, where he lay discolored and lifeless. I didn’t know what to do and felt completely empty as I stood in horror watching my husband give my baby boy CPR.

                I heard my dad talking on the phone, and the distinct words, “I think we have a dead baby”. I turned and ran into my bathroom… slid down the wall to the floor… and I prayed. I don’t even remember all that I prayed for, but I do know I asked for strength to accept whatever happened. My mom found me there, picked me up, and said something about how it was going to be ok. At this point, everything was moving in slow motion and everyone sounded like they were talking under water.

I made my way back out to where Colt and Richard were. I had tears streaming down my face as I rubbed his chubby arm and sobbed at Richard to ‘please save him’. I held his hand as Richard continued doing CPR. At some point Graci came around the corner and saw us… her face filled with concern and questions. I ran to her, hugged her close, and took her to the kitchen where someone else took her from me. I called my father-in-law and asked him to pray for us, that Colt wasn’t breathing… I hung up when I noticed that the first responders had arrived. They told me to go to a different room… that I wouldn’t want to watch... So I stood in the living room… not knowing what to do… It seemed like forever before the ambulance got there. I watched them wheel Colt out… I felt a small ray of hope that he might pull through… I prayed for God not to take my precious little boy...

I rode in the front of the ambulance as it drove to the hospital. On the way I called some of my best friends… I needed people to pray for us. I kept looking back at the EMT’s working on Colt, praying he would be ok. I was shaking… I kept saying, “Hold on, Bubba”… I wanted to throw up…

                When we got to the hospital they handed me his torn clothes and took me to a room just inside, where I sat and watched them try to save my baby. Luckily, I wasn’t alone for too long before Richard got there. We sat and cried… prayed and held each other… My parents came in soon after and held us close as we watched, helplessly.

As I sat and prayed, the hope I had felt left me, and I knew he was gone. I sat there, knowing there was nothing to be done and wanting them to stop so I could hold my baby. But I just sat… I sat and felt empty… I didn’t even know what to feel at this point. It was like I was watching a movie… how could this be real? How could my baby really be gone?

Soon, the doctor came and talked with us, he told us he didn’t think he could do anything more… We decided to let him go. They couldn’t get his heart to start back up and worried that even if they were somehow able to, he would have awful brain damage. I knew there was nothing they could do. I knew Heavenly Father had called him home…

                I was somewhat relieved to see them start leaving the room, because I just wanted to hold him and get a chance to say goodbye. I knew he was gone, I knew he was ok, and I knew I would be ok… even if I didn’t feel remotely okay at that moment… They left the room, wrapped him in a fleece blanket, and placed him in my arms. I sat and held him… I rocked him back and forth… He had tubes coming out of him, smelled funny, and his skin was cold. He was lifeless… I knew his spirit was no longer in his body, but I also knew he was there with us. I could feel him… I could feel angels all around, helping me get through this. I kept kissing his forehead and rubbing every inch of him with my finger, trying to memorize every detail… I didn’t want to ever forget his precious little face. My parents, Chelise and Dusty, and Richard and I sat with him, and held each other. I didn’t ever want to leave. They let me hold him for a long time. When I felt ready, I let Richard lay him back down in the hospital bed so we could answer questions with the detective as they got him ready to leave.

                They took us to a room… the rose room. Richard and I sat there and just hugged each other. We had a few friends come, and they were able to help my dad give Richard and I priesthood blessings. We answered the detective’s questions… and then they told us we could go back to see him again before the mortuary took him away. (That was one of the scariest thoughts for me).

                We went back into the hospital room and found him laying there on the bed. He looked somewhat peaceful, but also strange. It was weird to see him lying so still… he had NEVER laid so still… I let Richard pick him up, and made sure he took extra care with his head. Then I held him again for a moment before I let everyone else have a turn. When everyone was finished, I took him back. I kept trying to memorize all the details of his perfect face and the way it felt to hold him tightly in my arms. I never wanted to let him go, but knew I had to. It took me a little while, but I finally felt like it was time. He was with his Heavenly Father now, and it was ok to let him go.

I will never forget placing him on the stretcher to be taken away... I will never forget the feeling of anguish as I said goodbye... I will never forget how hard it was to know I would never again see his sweet smile, cuddle him in the rocking chair, or read him stories… A part of my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my body. As I watched them take him away, I wondered how my own heart was still beating. How could I be alive when I felt so much pain… so much emptiness…

Leaving the hospital was almost as hard as laying him on that stretcher. I felt like I was missing something... I was missing someone… How could I go anywhere without my little Colt Man in tow? It felt strange to not have him there. It felt like I was in a dream… I just clung to the clothes and blanket they had given me, that were his… I didn’t put them down for several hours.

I cried all night, and barely slept. But somehow, through the horrible pain I was feeling, I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew that one day it would all make sense… I knew this was the plan… my plan… And while I had never felt so lost, I had also never felt the spirit so strong. I didn’t know what to expect in the coming days… but I knew that there was no way I was ever going to stop working, not even for one second, to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. All I wanted was to have my Colt back… and I knew how to get him… so I prayed for strength… and I was ok.

I have felt Colt's absence every single moment since he died. There is nothing that can erase the pain I feel every day when I wonder what he would be doing if he were with us... the pain of seeing other babies, around his age, and wishing I could run over to them with my little boy and make new friends... the pain of living without someone I hold so dear... However, through all of the pain, I am ok. Just like I knew I would be on the night that Colt died... There is never an 'easy' day, but I am able to find joy, feel peace, and know that one day I will get to do all the things I long to do today, with Colt.

Enduring Faithfully to The End

I gave a talk today in sacrament meeting (its a little long), and promised some of my friends from out of town that I would blog it. Sorry for the introduction if you already know us, but it leads right into my talk! Enjoy!!

Enduring Faithfully to The End

Richard and I met in Cache Valley on Dec. 23, 2010, and were married 6 months later on June 23, 2011. We enjoy doing anything active, especially if it involves the outdoors. Both of us received our bachelor’s from Utah State, and Richard went on to get his Doctorate of Physical Therapy this past May from Missouri State University.

One of our greatest blessings arrived on Sep. 14, 2012 when our daughter, Graci, came into our lives. She is now 4 years old, very spunky, extremely imaginative, and has an incredibly big heart. She loves to help with all of our house projects, join us on our outdoor adventures, and spend the rest of her time exercising her huge imagination. She truly lights up our home, and keeps everyone on their toes.

We were also blessed with a son on Oct. 19, 2016. The moment they placed Colt into my arms I felt a peace wash over me like nothing I had ever felt before. He was my perfect little angel, and I knew he was an extremely special little boy. He spent 6½ blissful months with us here on earth before unexpectedly passing away on May 7, 2017. Although we were only able to hold him for a small time, we know that he is still a huge part of our family, and fervently working to help us get back home to him and our Heavenly Father.

Losing Colt is the biggest trial our family has had to face, up to this point. It was something I never thought would happen to me… it was something I hoped I would never have to endure. We joined the group that nobody wants to be in, but one that is filled with some of the very best people… a group defined by parents who have outlived their children (or grandchildren).

One story, that I absolutely love, perfectly illustrates the curve balls life throws at us. The author, Emily Perl Kingsley, wrote it to describe what it was like to raise a child with special needs, but I think you can apply it to many different trials:

Welcome to Holland

… It's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

 pic cred: https://www.bucketlist127.com/goal/see-the-tulip-flower-fields-in-netherlands

Although the trial of losing my son was one that I never wanted to claim as mine, I have learned to own it, make peace with it, and still live a joyous life. However, I don’t know if that would have been possible for me if I hadn’t had a strong testimony of eternal families, good family and friends helping me through, and most of all a positive attitude.

So many people are surprised to hear that my husband and I lost a son less than 3 months ago. “But you’re so happy!” they will say to us… I’m not going to sugar coat it… we have each had our moments of unimaginable pain, extreme grief, and times we’ve cried out ‘why me?’ However, at the end of each day, we go to bed knowing that tomorrow we will wake up and keep trying. While it would be easy to dwell on the negative aspects of losing our precious little boy, we can’t help but notice all the amazing blessings in our lives before and after his death.

One of my greatest examples of enduring faithfully to the end comes from my great great great great grandmother, Susannah Stone Lloyd. She joined the church when she was 17 years old against her family’s wishes. She journeyed from England to Utah 8 years later, all by herself, at the age of 25. She joined the Willie Handcart Company, and went through some of the worst trials imaginable to people of our day.

Although her company (which is the one featured in the film 17 Miracles) faced many hard trials, my grandmother endured it faithfully. In her autobiography she writes, “we murmured not for our faith in God and our testimony of His work were supreme.” She remembers singing hymns to encourage themselves along the way, and recounts how ‘the Lord gave us strength and courage’.

She writes, “Only once did my courage fail. One cold dreary afternoon, my feet having been frosted, I felt I could go no farther and withdrew from the little company and sat down to wait the end. Being somewhat in a stupor. After a time I was aroused by a voice, which seemed as audible as anything could be and which spoke to my very soul of the promises and blessings I had received, and which should surely be fulfilled, and that I had a mission to perform in Zion. I received strength and was filled with the spirit of the Lord and arose and traveled on with a light heart. As I reached camp I found a searching party ready to go back to find me dead or alive. I had no relatives but many dear and devoted friends and we did all we could to aid and encourage each other. My frosted feet gave me considerable trouble for many years, but this was forgotten in the contemplation of the many blessings the Gospel has brought to me and mine.”

My Grandmother went on to make it to the Salt Lake Valley, where she married a man of faith, and became the mother of 14 children who were all faithful members of the church. Her greatest joy was seeing her children remain faithful to the faith for which she had sacrificed so much. While she still faced many hardships and trials throughout her life, including losing two of her own infant sons, she wrote, “we have never murmured or felt to regret the sacrifice we made. I am thankful that I was counted worthy to be a pioneer and a hand cart girl. It prepared me to stand hard times when I got here.”

When I read about my ancestors, and the many trials they endured with unwavering faith, it is easy for me to feel blessed, have courage, and endure this life. My grandmother not only endured her trials, but was thankful for them. She had such a strong testimony of God’s plan and the promise of eternal life. I am so grateful for her example.

I have a very dear friend who is another amazing example of enduring trials with faith. She has shared her story with many different people and groups because of how much her positive attitude and unwavering faith in the gospel make her countenance shine. I am only going to share a small piece of her with you today.

Amy’s husband, Michael, was killed in active duty on Feb. 23, 2009… he had just turned 31 years old. He not only left behind Amy, but two young sons and countless other family members and friends. Their lives changed on Thanksgiving of 2007 when Michael asked Amy what she thought about him joining the military (out of the blue). Amy couldn’t help but think that he could lose his life if they chose this path. The next Sunday, she was pondering Michael’s question, and asked Heavenly Father, “What if he doesn’t come home?” Without correcting her, but filling her with peace, he answered, “Everything is going to be ok because I have given you My Son.”

Michael did lose his life, just 15 months after she had this experience. However, because of the sacrifice of our Savior, she will be with her Michael again… I will get to hold my Colt again... and when these reunions occur, there is nothing that will ever separate us again!

Some may have never been through the trial of losing a loved one, especially a loved one lost much too soon; or the trial of traveling over a thousand miles pulling a handcart; but I know each of us has faced hard trials and challenges. The purpose of this life is to be tested. Each of us goes through trials that are unique and important to us individually. The things we face are what can help mold us into the person Heavenly Father sees… the person we are destined to become.

One of my favorite scriptures is in D&C 121:7-8, which says, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes”.

I have watched Amy endure this world without Michael physically by her side for 8½ years. I know it hasn’t been easy; but she stays positive and keeps the bigger picture as her focus. She doesn’t let any trivial or worldly thing keep her from her goal of being with Michael for eternity. Even though her trial seems somewhat unfair, she stays faithful to the church that our ancestors fought for, sacrificed for, and believed in.

In his April 2016 General Conference talk, Elder Dale G. Renlund said, “If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God. In this respect, I am grateful that life is not fair. … Through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for.”

Heavenly Father gave us His Son, to make everything ok. It will all be worth it when we cross the veil, are greeted by our Savior, and are told, “well done.” Every trial we face… every heart ache we feel… It will all be made up to us 1,000 times if we endure this life well.

I know that losing Colt has helped turn my focus onto returning to my Savior, and helping others return to him as well. I feel like I can face any challenge or trial placed in front of me with the knowledge I have of the plan of salvation. All the little things that used to matter to me so much just aren’t quite as important anymore. My trial has changed me, it has molded me into a better person, and I am sure I still have much to learn from it in the years to come. But I know that with the help of my Savior, I can endure this life well, and I can have my family feel whole and complete again. In the end, we will ALL not only have Italy, but a place better than anyone could ever possibly imagine, that makes everything we have endured here, worth it.