Halloween
hit me HARD. Much harder than I ever imagined it would hit.
At first I
didn’t understand why I was having such a hard time… but then I realized that
it was the first ‘event’ I was trying to repeat that Colt had been a part of the
time before. Last Halloween he was here. I dressed my kids up in complimenting
costumes, did a sibling photo shoot, took them BOTH trick-or-treating, and
relished in my family that felt complete. I distinctly remember putting Colt in
his carrier on my chest… his little ‘Sven’ hat on… watching Graci reluctantly
go up to everyone in her Elsa costume to say trick-or-treat… It was perfect…
 |
| Last Halloween (Sven & Elsa) |
Not this
year… this year was entirely different…
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| This Halloween (Greek Goddess & Pegasus) |
This
Halloween we still got our kids complimenting costumes, however, Colt’s is one
that he can’t wear. His is a little figurine… and as perfect as his costume
actually turned out to be, it doesn’t erase the fact that he didn’t get to join
us when we went trick-or-treating, or that we didn’t get to witness the joy he
would have shown if he had been with us. I watched other kids, with their siblings, dressed up super cute... it was hard...
This is my
life now… I may not like it, but it is MY plan. Sometimes the unfairness of it
all consumes me, and this Halloween, it did just that…
I hate that
I have to celebrate everything with my son by going to a cemetery… I hate that
I have to watch all the families around me, so happy, with no clue about the
sorrow I am facing every day without my child here with me. Sometimes the grief
makes me feel so very alone.
I felt like
somewhat of a Halloween Grinch this year… but had to put on my happy face and
celebrate with my daughter. We still did everything we usually do, and more. We
went to the Zoo Boo event on Saturday, and went to visit Colt afterwards in
Paradise. We carved pumpkins, made pumpkin cookies, and went to TWO
trunk-or-treats. We all dressed up (per Graci’s request), and watched Halloween
movies all day… I tried my hardest to find joy, and I did. I loved handing out
candy to all the kids (especially the ones in my class), had fun watching Graci
get excited to see all her friends in their costumes or get one of her favorite
treats, and enjoyed seeing many of my friends at the ward trunk-or-treat. I’m
sure nobody suspected that I didn’t really want to be there… that what I really
wanted was to go home, put on my pajamas, and just be alone…
The battle
you face after losing a child is LONG, LONELY, and full of UPs and DOWNs. Last
week there were two very joyous things that happened in my family, but also two
very BIG reminders that my son was gone… My cousin returned from his two year mission
and Colt’s cousin had his 1st birthday. Both of these events were so
bitter-sweet for Richard and I… we love watching those around us have happy
moments, we love seeing the good things in the world… however, sometimes it is
those good and happy things that make us miss Colt the most. We didn’t get to
celebrate Colt’s birthday in the way that his cousin got to celebrate. We didn’t
get to take cute pictures, watch him open presents, or even eat some birthday
cake… We don’t get to count down the days until we are reunited with our little
missionary. Our joyous reunion won’t happen until the end of our lives…
whenever that may be…
I cannot count
the number of times we have been shown kindness since Colt died… the tender
mercies… the LOVE… But that doesn’t necessarily make everyday life easier. No
matter what amazing things happen in my life, while I am so grateful, they
never erase the simple fact that I have to live every day, for the rest of my
life, without my son.
For these
last 6 months we have been trying to find a new normal, but what I have found
is that there really is no such thing as normal…
Most days I
have no idea how we even survive. I suppose we just keep trying our best to
live on faith and hope. When we do that, we seem to find joy in many things,
and sometimes our loss doesn’t seem so debilitating… Sometimes we have a very
clear picture of our purpose and plan. Most of the time we are ok… and just the
little things, like a friendly smile, can melt our sorrow (even if just a
little).
What about
parenting a child who has experienced such a HUGE loss? I’m pretty sure this
has been the biggest challenge that came with losing Colt. Graci and him were
truly the best of friends, and loved each other more than I’ve ever witnessed
two siblings loving each other before. How do you tell a 4 (now 5) year old
that their best friend died? How do you help them deal with that grief?
Ever since Colt died, Graci has been
having nightmares. These nightmares aren’t just every once in awhile, but are
sometimes nightly. We have found ways to help her so they go away for a short
while, but they always seem to find their way back… Some nights going to bed is
filled with tears because she is so scared to go to sleep. (Most of these
dreams contain something horrible happening to her or someone she loves).
The days are few and far between that
Graci doesn’t tell me she misses her brother. Nearly every day, in some way,
she lets me know that she is thinking of him, and especially, that she deeply
misses him. Some days she sits by herself in the quiet (which is rare for
her), and even sheds a few tears… She still begs me to buy him things (outfits,
toys, etc.) each time we go to the store because “he would LOVE that, mom!”
Sometimes she lashes out in situations
where she feels uncomfortable… she gets easily frustrated, and I think she just
wants to feel like she belongs.
She LOVES when we have the chance to
babysit other kids, especially babies. She wants to do the same things with
them that she used to do with Colt. She has even asked me before, if I think
that [the baby’s parents] would maybe let us keep them. She wants to be a big
sister…
My daughter
grieves… and many times she gets judged extremely harsh because of her grief.
People seem to forget that she is allowed to have bad days, to feel sad… she is
allowed to miss her brother and do her best to cope with her emotions. I wish I
could let the world know her pain… I wish I could help everyone understand the
depths of her sorrow. I see it… I feel it… I know it… However, as much as I can
empathize with her, I also know that my understanding probably surpasses hers.
In reality, all she probably knows is that she is, yet again, an only child who
just desperately wants her best friend back.
The unfairness
of losing Colt is made so much worse when you watch your 5 year old beg to
visit his grave or shed some tears when she misses him…
People have
so many expectations of how you should act in certain situations, and losing a
child is one of them. Some people think we ‘act’ too happy… some people think
we need to ‘just get over it already’… and still, others just judge us on how
we handle certain situations, like parenting a grieving child. I wish someone had all the answers and could
tell me how to help Graci understand her reality, how to cope… I wish someone
could tell me how to live so that my grief didn’t hit me so suddenly at times…
The reality is that there are no clear answers in life, especially with
something so emotional.
I’m not sure
when, or if we will ever feel like a normal family again… maybe I don’t even
want to…
That is ok…
However, I
hope people understand (or at least try to) that we are a ‘broken’ family. We
don’t need to be fixed, we don’t need advice… the only thing we really need is
a smile, and maybe every once in awhile a warm hug letting us know that it’s ok
that we are not ok.
