Stormy Skies

Today my sweet Colt would have turned three years old. It seems fitting that it is a stormy day, as Colt came into the world during a Big Missouri Thunderstorm. This type of weather always reminds me of him, in more ways than just one…

When I was about eighteen, we went on a family trip to the island of Kauai. I was on the beach, with my sister, when a storm began coming in. Sand and waves collided stronger as the sky filled with dark clouds. Wind carried my hair as I stood knee-deep in the churning water, rain pouring down, looking out at the vast ocean before me. I took in the beauty of that storm and allowed it to energize me. My sister begged me to go inside, but I wasn’t afraid. I remember jumping through the waves and feeling more alive and free than I ever had before.

https://fineartamerica.com/featured/kauai-storm-steven-michael.html

I often feel this same way towards the storm I face each day when I wake up [again] without my son. While some life storms pass quickly, this is one that will last the duration of my lifetime. It seems to rage now just as strongly as it did the day I held my sons’ lifeless body, trying to memorize the details of his face.

Often, it seems like the safer path is to seek shelter as I become fearful of the waves exploding below me and the rain plummeting above. It all seems like too much, and I start feeling bitter, depressed, and full of self-pity. At times these feelings begin to take over and I wonder if I will surrender to their enticing promise of ease and validation.

The sorrow of living without Colt is devastatingly crushing. It came first as I walked out of the hospital without Colt in my arms, and again as I went to bed next to an empty crib. It flooded me as I woke up the next day realizing that the nightmare I had experienced wasn’t just a dream… And it haunts me every day as I wonder how different my life would be if he were here to enjoy it too.

There isn’t a day… a moment… that passes without me thinking about Colt. He is in every breath I take, and the most vicious storm I have ever been asked to walk through. Some days appear too hard to face. It seems like every time I turn there is a new milestone that I am missing, and a new reminder of what I don’t get to have. It would be so effortless to give in to the storm.

However, since this storm never passes from my sky, I don’t get very far in life if I sit inside every day feeling sorry for myself. The only way I move forward is when I venture onward, out in the turmoil. It is then that I find myself feeling just how I did on that island in Hawaii many years ago… fearless. When I face the storm head-on it begins to energize me. I keep going because I’m not afraid anymore, but eager to experience the beauty. As I do this, the storm slowly becomes a wonderful part of who I am.

One of the greatest marvels in nature is when we observe landscapes that have been shaped by forces outside themselves.

https://horseshoebend.com/best-time-visit-horseshoe-bend/

The turmoil they have experienced is what makes them the beautiful places they are. These special sites seem to stand more proudly than others, showing off their splendor, calling to those who have passed through pain like them. They inspire.

So it is with us, when we experience trials. If we continue on in joy, letting the storm mold us as we faithfully cling to God, we can become even more wonderful than we were before.

Thomas S. Monson said:

“I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments… Fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”

We are promised that our sorrows will be made up to us, if not in this life then the next. Our future is very bright, and we are never left alone if we turn to our Savior for help. Though we walk through many trials, we can find joy.

Even though every joy I feel is shadowed with the thought of my son not being here with me, so is each heartache I encounter lightened by him cheering me on from the other side.

While this storm doesn’t ever fully leave my sky, I’m learning to stand in the middle of it, looking up at that unbridled sky while taking a deep breath, and continue forward with a smile. It is then that I start feeling the sun on my face and look up to see that the rain has lightened and I am stronger.