Making a New Year Great

I had been dreading the New Year for a few months, not wanting it to come. However, I kind of forgot about those feelings until we started counting down the last few seconds of 2017. With 5 seconds to go I felt that dread come over me once again… 4: I’m not ready… 3: please make it stop… 2: don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry… 1: here it comes… and then my heart unexpectedly stopped as everyone shouted ‘Happy New Year’. Time had passed, like it always seems to do, regardless of me trying to will it not to.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m curious to see what 2018 brings, and am even hopeful that it will turn out to be a good year… but I am also so sad that 2017 is over, which seems to confuse most people. It was our worst year, by far, so why wouldn’t we want it to end and have a fresh, new start? That answer is simple… it may have been our worst year yet, but it was also our BEST year… 

2017 was the year we had both of our children together, after several years of trying to grow our family unsuccessfully. 2017 was the year I got to spend 4 glorious months with Colt… holding him close, listening to his infectious giggle, and seeing his kindness shine through those big blue eyes. 2018 is the first year, of probably many, that I have to endure without even one moment spent holding my son, and that is heart breaking to me. How can I be happy about a year when that is what I have to look forward to?

Last year the New Year brought such a promise of good things to happen! We started it off with blessing our sweet little Colt on the 1st. It was the best baby blessing I had ever heard, and I felt so proud of my little family. We were going to finally graduate school, buy our first home, live all together again… but one of those things never came… Colt was with us when we bought our home, but we never got to spend even one night in it together as a family… he died just a week and a half after we closed…

However, even though losing Colt was, and is, the worst thing I can imagine happening to me… I wish I could do this year over again. I would relive all that pain and sorrow for even just one more second with Colt… I would write his obituary, pick out a place to bury his little body, and design his headstone over and over if it meant I was able hold him while he slept just one more time.

The important thing to remember about time is that once it is gone, you can never get it back. The memories you make are all that you have, so make the seconds count…

While it’s hard to imagine this New Year being a good one, without Colt in my arms, I can make it great. After all, life is what we make it, and we can choose to be happy or we can choose to not. I don’t want to just survive the rest of my life, in sorrow, but I want to live a good life that Colt can smile down on and anticipate our arrival to live with him again. I will continue to choose happiness, a positive attitude, and a heart full of love. I will make this year a good one, one that my Father in Heaven is proud of, and one that I continue to grow into the person I am meant to be.

2018 may not be what I once hoped it would be for me, but life never has been, and I’ve always come out on top so far. It may not be my best year, but I’m almost certain it will also not be my worst. (Or at least I hope not).

And now, I can finally say… Happy New Year

(Also, these are my favorite pictures, for many reasons, one of them being his outfit. We were able to find a bigger size after he passed away, and it is identical to what he is buried in. His little knit cowboy boots even still fit... and so I love to look at these and imagine him dressed like this when I get to hold him again at the resurrection.)