Today is the 8th anniversary of Richard and I’s first date. Today also marks 600 days since Colt’s death. This past Sunday we were able to attend church at the same ward he lived in most of his life. We sat in almost the exact same spot at church that we sat in, with Colt, for the last time (the very day he died). Today I am feeling the weight of losing him… the weight of trying to put on a happy face even when I kind of wish I could cry… Today I am reminded that I have lived 3 times longer without my sweet Colt than what I was blessed to live with him on this earth.
Today I am humbled by how much God loves each of us as individuals, even when we forget.
I was driving to a friend’s house the Thursday evening before Christmas when Colt’s lullaby came on in my car. My mood quickly shifted from eager and excited to quiet and somber. The tears filled my eyes as I thought about my sweet boy and how much I was missing him this Christmas season. I started praying (something I seem to do often in my car). I poured out my heart about all I had been feeling and asked my Heavenly Father to please send me a miracle. I had been really struggling and missing my blue-eyed boy, and wanted a reminder that it was all going to be ok.
Upon arrival at my friend’s house, however, it was easy to kind of forgot about my prayer, and I spent the rest of the evening having fun with some of my best girlfriends.
The next morning felt fairly normal. Richard left for work on time as I continued getting myself and Graci ready for the day. However, I heard Richard walk back through our front door about 10 minutes after he had left for work, which was not a normal occurrence at all. I listened as his footsteps come towards me down the hall and around the corner into our bedroom. He whispered to me that he had found Graci’s favorite cat, Tigger, run over a few houses down.
My heart sank to my toes, and I asked him about 5 times if he was sure it was our cat. I had never seen him leave our backyard and we have several orange cats in our neighborhood, how could it be him? He kept reassuring me that it was in fact Tigger, and he had already picked him up off the road. My heart was broken, and I was so nervous to break the news to Graci who was oblivious in the other room.
The thought came, “Really? I ask for a Miracle and this is what I get? Another family member we love… dead?”
School was going to start in about 20 minutes and I debated on whether to tell Graci now or wait until after she got home. She was playing with our puppy, Kona, on the floor and something was telling me not to keep it from her. I moved closer to her and softly said, “Graci…. Tigger got ran over last night….” Her eyes immediately filled with tears and she started sobbing. I scooped her up into my lap and let her cry for a few minutes before talking about it a little more. We talked about how sad we were and how much we would miss him… we talked about all the funny things he did and how much he loved Graci ‘the most’… we talked about how his spirit was now in heaven with Colt and all our other loved ones…
I gave her the option to go to school a little late, but if you know Graci you know that she, of course, did not want to miss even a few minutes of school. Her eyes were red and swollen as I sent her out the door with Richard, but I knew she would be fine. Graci has always been the resilient type, and death is all too familiar to her little six-year-old self.
As the day went on, I had a hard time focusing on much of anything except how much I was already missing my ‘Colt’ cat. He was a special member of our family and a sweet reminder of our little angel. He came into our lives on Colt’s Angel Day, and I always felt like he was a gift from heaven. He seemed to bring a similar spirit into our home that had been missing since Colt died, and even had several physical characteristics that reminded me of him. He admired Graci, much like her brother did, and they had a very special relationship. It was easily one of my biggest joys, watching those two play in the backyard together…
There was a big part of me that wondered why it had to be him. Why did it have to be our ‘Colt’ cat… a pet with so much significance in our family, and especially to our sweet Graci. However, since the day we took him into our home I had been unable to shake the feeling that he would die young, much like the angel who I felt had sent him to us.
This feeling was very similar to the feeling I had throughout Colt’s short life. Somehow, I knew Colt was going to die, but I didn’t know I knew until it happened. However, as the day he returned to his Heavenly Father grew closer, the feeling got stronger and stronger. I had so many warnings and feelings that, looking back, were signs for me to prepare for something extremely hard and hold my family tight. The Holy Ghost witnessed to me that his death had been planned since before his birth.
The Lord was with me through that trial, and while I wish it hadn’t happened at all, it occurred in the most perfect way possible. The same thing was happening with the trial of losing our cat. Heavenly Father had it planned out perfectly, and everything was falling into place in the most amazing way. It was a sweet reminder to me that our Father’s plan is perfect, and there is purpose in every little thing we face.
As I witnessed these small miracles surrounding Tigger’s death unfold, I quickly came to realize that this was the answer to my pleading prayer in my car that night. This was the reminder I wished for, to remember that everything has a plan… a purpose… and it was all going to turn out ok.
While this Christmas season has seemed harder for me to face than most, I am so grateful for all my Heavenly Father has given me, including my trials. But, most especially, for the people I’ve been given to love here in this life. Through them, the miracles kept pouring out this past week, making Colt feel close, and helping me enjoy the season (finally).
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
-Love Braquel
