A saying I haven’t been able to get out of my mind lately is, “It is not
our job to fix others, but to love them.” This is much easier said than done,
especially if you are a spouse, parent, friend, or in a close relationship with
basically anyone. I have found this to be especially hard for someone like me,
who identifies with being somewhat of a perfectionist. For a long time I felt
like there was nothing wrong with me expecting others to live a close to
perfect life, and really struggled when people strayed too far from my picture
of perfectness I had planned for them. I wasn’t controlling, but I do remember
feeling frustrated when people couldn’t just live ‘right’.
I have six younger siblings, each one I love with my whole heart, and I
want them to be happy. However, I used to think that meant they needed to live
life MY way. I became a wife 6.5 years ago, and felt the same way about my
husband, and soon after our daughter… but somewhere along the way I started to
realize that it doesn’t matter what I think is ‘right’ or ‘good’, because every
person is just that, a person. With that they have their own feelings, hopes,
dreams, fears, and LIFE. What worked for me, and made me happy, didn’t
necessarily work for ANYONE else.
It hit me even stronger, 5 months ago, when my world was shattered with
the loss of Colt. Now, not only did I have to let go of the fact that I couldn’t
‘fix’ everyone else’s life, but I couldn’t even fix my own. For the first time,
I felt like my life truly sucked… Of course, I had many other trials, but I had
always had a life with problems I could ‘fix’, or at least work on… trials that
I would think: I got this! ... Not this… nothing could fix this…
Those first few days…weeks… I watched the world going on all around me,
and I was shocked that nobody could feel my pain, or at least see it radiating
from me with the brightness of the sun. It was then that I really began to
wonder; How many times had I ignored, or worse, judged someone harshly, when
they were going through the unimaginable… How many times did I pass people on
the street, who felt like they couldn’t go on, and not even bat an eyelash
their way? I realized that there were so many problems in the world that couldn’t
be fixed by anyone on the earth, and that what
people really needed, was to feel loved.
One of my friends recently gave an amazing relief society lesson; in it
she talked about her gay son. She brought his picture to the class in hopes
that we would not judge him harshly, but “see” the real person that he was. Her
husband and she were devastated and shocked when they first found out about
their amazing boy, and had a lot of questions about what his life was going to
be like now, how this was going to affect their relationship, and about his eternal
salvation. In the following weeks and months they saw how much pain he had
suffered through, for so long… alone… and worried about his well-being. They
realized that he had a great conflict between what he felt and wanted vs. what
he had been taught in the church. One of the biggest things they learned was
that they needed to make decisions that were grounded in faith and not in fear. They didn’t want to come across as condoning
his actions, and soon came across a blog post, written by Josh Searle (a gay
mormon), which says:
Occasionally I get a letter from a concerned
parent about their child in a gay relationship or leaving their Christian
faith. Often these parents are paralyzed with fear. Fear of condoning
(accepting immoral behavior) yet fear of losing their child to choices the
parent disagrees with. Based on correspondence with these parents, I feel many –
in the name of “truth and righteousness” draw their swords and commence an unwarranted
battle.
The Exercise Analogy
I enjoy exercise and healthy eating. I share
with family/friends the pro’s of a healthy lifestyle and give simple
suggestions to implement it. They see my daily choices of going to the gym and
preparing healthy meals. And, when it’s time to eat, generally I choose
something healthy while they grab food that is anything but that. And we eat…
in peace. Why? Because:
· I don’t say, “If you order that double stuffed lasagna, you are not welcomed at this table.”
· I don’t slap the donut out of their hand saying “I told you before! You’re going to get diabetes from eating this!”
· I don’t turn up my nose and say “Unless you include exercise and proper diet into your life, you’re not welcome around here!”
The Reality
Because of past conversations and my
personal visible life, my family and friends ALREADY know where I stand on
health and fitness. Smashing their faces into their pies destroys the
relationship and I believe, is offensive to God. All involved are hurt and
nothing gained. Here’s what I do:
· I say, “How’s that double stuff lasagna? Did it turn out? It looks great!”
· I ask, “How was your weekend? Were you able to get out of the house?”
· I show interest in them, regardless if I agree or not with all of their choices.
I love this analogy, because I remember people telling me, when I was younger, that I needed to choose good friends, which often implied choosing friends who shared my faith. I was taught this for protection, however, the one thing most people fail to teach is that we shouldn’t be scared to love others who share different opinions and beliefs as ourselves. What makes a good friend isn’t their belief system, but how they respect you, your values, and your beliefs.
I have many friends of all different races, religions, political parties,
etc… and all I know is that I don’t agree with everything each and every one of
my friends do, in fact there is not one person in my life that I feel is
perfect… However, I do love each of my friends, cherish their opinions, and
believe they are a special person for being exactly who they are. I love the
amazingness that each of them bring into my life individually, and wouldn’t
want to ever change who they were as a person. I genuinely love them, and know
that their worth is so great. Yes, even those who don’t share my faith.
One of these dear friends of mine did not grow up in the LDS church, but did
grow up in a predominantly LDS community. She once shared with me her
experiences with ‘friends’ in high school, who abandoned her after finding out
that she didn’t share their faith. These ‘friends’ acted out of fear of someone
that was a good person, someone they could trust to help them keep their high
standards… but also someone that didn’t attend THEIR church on Sunday.
This friend of mine is one of the most amazing and kind people I know,
however, I don’t know if she will ever forget the hurt she felt from those naïve
high school friends of hers, who believed they could not love someone who was
different from themselves. I do not judge these ‘friends’, their parents, or
leaders… we all make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. However, her experience was not much different
from countless other stories I have heard when someone doesn’t quite fit “the
mold” that others want or expect them to fit in. I see it in every aspect of my life, all over the news, and even during short trips out of my little house...
Christ has commanded us to “love our neighbors”, but he has never said
anything about it being our job to ‘fix’ other people. We are to stand for what
we believe… shine our light for others to see… but it is by our works, our
example, and our love that we can (and will) bring others unto Christ. I
believe there is no room in this gospel for judging, belittling, or showing
unkindness in any way. Even Christ, who suffered more than anyone could ever
possibly imagine, only showed love and charity to his fellow men. He is our
example, and who we should strive to be more like each and every day.
I don’t think we should ever be expected to lower our standards, and
believe it is fine to think things like: “that isn’t something I think is right”,
or “I’m not sure that activity is keeping the commandments”, we are supposed to
use judgment between right and wrong… but it is never our place to think
someone else is bad or wrong in what they do. We do not know what someone is
going through, what their motives are, or their individual relationship with our
Savior. It is ok to disagree with someone’s lifestyle… IT IS OK. Even if you do
disagree, I promise you that there is room for LOVE, and that is the greatest
commandment of all.
I quote my friend: “I would not be the person I am today without my son,
who has opened my heart and mind to loving other people who are LGBT. I have
met some of the most talented and wonderful Mormon LGBT people of all ages and
demographics that I am embarrassed to say I would have never made the effort to
know, if it weren’t for my son... Every day of our lives we have opportunities to
show love and kindness to those around us. Love is an action word, demonstrated
through selflessness, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. My family’s
diversity has helped me to see people as God sees them and to reach out to
others in kindness, whether that is inviting someone to dinner, FHE, or just
saying hello. I strive to treat others the way I want to be treated and the way
I would want others to treat my children—with kindness.”
I have to agree with my friend… I am a completely different person
because of my trials. Going through the loss of my precious son has opened my
eyes to the people of the world, and has made my heart grow in compassion. I
have learned that some (many) of life’s problems can’t be fixed by someone like
me, that is God’s job… and all he asks is that I love them, all of them.
“Faith,
Hope, and Love. But the Greatest of these is Love.”
1Corinthians 13:13
