Colt's Birthday Bash

Happy Birthday to our little COLT-MAN on the 19th! We actually had a really great day celebrating him with our close friends and family. These anniversaries are always a little bitter-sweet, as we wish he could be here with us in person... eating cake, unwrapping tons of gifts, and being his extra cute self. However, we have such faith and hope in God's plan that we can celebrate him and his short life, filled with peace and love. I can't even count the tender mercies we receive each day... and especially the ones we were blessed with on his birthday. God truly is watching over our little family.

We spent the first part of our day preparing... making cupcakes, shopping for his favorite foods, and taking balloons up to his headstone. It was fun to be able to think of him every second of the day and feel his love around us. Our dear dear friend Amy gave us this beautiful picture of tulips that says: "welcome to holland", because she knows how much we love that story. We are so blessed to have her as an amazing example of how to live a joyful and grateful life after you lose someone so dear. She has been there for us every step of the way through this tough trial.

We ate his favorite foods (I forgot a picture)... apples, cheese, and apple juice. We took everyone up to his grave, where Richard sang him his Lullaby... We also sent him floating lanterns, with a promise written on each one of something we would do to make the world a brighter and better place.

 I am beyond grateful for the love and support we feel from everyone towards the loss of our precious boy. So many people sent off lanterns or balloons from their homes, sent us a card or facebook post, or did their own special thing for Colt on his birthday. We truly are blessed with the BEST family and friends around.

On Saturday we were able to celebrate him again by doing another team Colt event... our Bike Ride around Bear Lake. I say this every time... but... I'm pretty sure it was my favorite event yet!

We had some of the BIGGEST GOOFBALLS with us... which always makes it so much fun!! My grandparents were even able to come and drive their truck alongside us as we rode! Colt had miles done by both of his Grandpa's, his Nana, Aunts (Ashlee, Lisa, Holly, & McKinley), Richard, Graci, and me. There is no better support group than these guys!! :)

Richard's workplace, Superior Physical Therapy, even made us an Aid Station in a box! It was full of water, gatorade, and tons of goodies to keep us all energized on the ride. We were so grateful to them for doing this for us, and also for always supporting us in whatever capacity they are able.

It really was such a beautiful ride (for the most part), except for when we hit the head wind that made it feel like we were climbing a huge mountain! It wore most of us out pretty quick, and some of us had to stop early! :( But we did our best and that is what really matters!!

I love the peace I feel when we do an event, and the closeness I feel to my sweet boy. There is always at least one moment, (usually when I'm alone), when I can feel him so strongly with me... often when I am worn out and need a hand! There were a few times during this ride that I suddenly felt like someone gave me a little push from behind... once I even looked back to see who was there... there was never anyone... so I figured it was Colt helping me to keep going, letting me know he was there.

So... none of us were actually able to finish the whole loop... Two of us (Richard and Lisa) could have... but we ran out of time! The rest of us were pretty ok to be done after 38 miles, and we decided if we do it again we need to go when its just a little warmer, and we have trained more. The furthest any of us had even gone this year on our bikes was 9 miles... and some hadn't been on a bike for over a year! I guess we are just crazy! It really was a blast, and I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to go with!! Love them all!!!

My little Miracle

Today is Colt’s birthday. It is hard to believe that exactly one year ago he came into my life and changed it forever. It is surprising to realize the impact he has had on me, and how much I have grown in this short year. Especially these last 165 days since he has been gone.

Colt was born at 6:56pm on October 19, 2016. He weighed 8lbs 14oz and was 22in long. I remember the day he was born, as if it were yesterday. I remember being able to hold him the whole first hour of his life, and then watch my husband hold him with proudness I had never seen in him before. There was a reverence in the room as just the two of us were able to bond with our sweet boy. From those first moments with him, we knew there was something special about him… we could feel the righteousness of his valiant little spirit radiating from him and brightening the whole room… really, our whole lives.

It was the best few months of my life, as I held both of my children each day and was blessed with their spirits in our home. Colt lived for exactly 200 days (to the hour), and I literally felt my heart rip in two as I held his lifeless body at the hospital, trying to memorize every detail of his perfect face before kissing him and saying goodbye. I

didn’t know how I would ever be able to face a day without my little bubba in tow… he had spent EVERY SECOND of his life in mine, and I knew that would be a change that wasn’t easy to get used to. That walk away from my son, leaving him in the hospital without me, was the hardest walk I have ever done… and honestly, hope I ever have to do.

I don’t know why I had to lose my son… I don’t know why so many things happen that seem unfair… I don’t know why sometimes life is just hard… Some of the answers to our questions aren’t supposed to be given to us in this life, but we are instead asked to trust in the Lord and have patience to wait for his answers and his timing. This doesn’t mean we can’t ask questions, or that we have to be happy with everything that happens to us… It is ok to feel angry, sad, hurt, confused, or misunderstood. Heavenly Father gave us ALL of our emotions, and it is ok to feel them.

I LOVED our recent General Conference so so much! I truly felt that Heavenly Father was looking out for me personally through the words he inspired his servants to declare to the world. One of my favorites was by Elder Hallstrom, entitled Has the Day of Miracles Ceased?

I don’t know if this specific talk struck the same emotional heart strings in others as it did for me. But, for someone who had, just five months earlier, buried a child who was fervently prayed for by parents who desperately desired more children, it was a beautiful testimony of hope.

Elder Hallstrom posed this question:

“What about the innumerable faith-filled, priesthood-blessing-receiving, unendingly-prayed-for, covenant-keeping, full-of-hope Latter day Saints whose miracle never comes?”

If I hadn’t been paying close attention to his talk before, I sure was now. He had just described us… We were faith-filled… we gave Colt a priesthood blessing and prayed for Heavenly Father not to take him away from us… we kept our covenants… we WERE full of hope… yet, there I sat... It had been five months since I was last able to hold my son… Where was my miracle? Had the Lord forgotten about me?

Elder Hallstrom went on, “They possessed full confidence that God could save them, but if not, they had complete faith in His plan... Do we have the faith not [to] be healed from our earthly afflictions so we might be healed eternally?”

Did I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father, the one who knows me best? Was I able to accept that while the Lord could have saved my son from death, he chose not to heal him or my broken heart? This was all part of my plan, and by not healing me in this life was he doing an even greater healing of my soul? Was I being molded into a person who was worthy of the Celestial Kingdom?

I have felt what it is like to live without my child for just 5 short months… how much more painful would it be to not have one of my family members for eternity? By giving us this trial, molding us into better people, we were becoming more worthy to receive the blessings we were promised of an eternal family. Suddenly I felt like my life in this world really wouldn’t be too long, when I had an eternity to live with my son afterwards. I also felt grateful for my trial… if this is what I had to do to have to my family together FOREVER… it was worth it.

My life is not perfect, it is far from it… but I know that if I have faith, trust, and patience in my Heavenly Father, I will get to see my son again. I will get to embrace him, kiss his chubby cheeks, and even raise him in a perfect world. There are so many blessings that are waiting for me in this life, and the one I desire most, just waiting for me across the veil. Elder Hallstrom declared, “We [truly] are living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead.” This life is just a small part of our eternity… yet, it is crucial that we develop the skills and talents that will mold us into the children of God we were destined to become. I pray that each of us will have the patience to endure this life well, and let the Lord mold us... because if we do… it will all work out, and it will all be worth it.

I am so grateful for the blessings that Colt has taught me this past year. While I long for the day when I can physically hold him again, I can’t help but feel peace and hope whenever I think of him. I know that because of him I have grown closer to my savior, I have become a better person, and I am holding even more tightly to the iron rod. For this, I can be grateful for my trial, even if I wish it didn’t have to happen. I can celebrate Colt’s birthday today… celebrate the amazing son he is… and be happy that I was blessed with the miracle of being his mother.

Happy Birthday my little Colt Man… I love you.        -Mom