My little Miracle

Today is Colt’s birthday. It is hard to believe that exactly one year ago he came into my life and changed it forever. It is surprising to realize the impact he has had on me, and how much I have grown in this short year. Especially these last 165 days since he has been gone.

Colt was born at 6:56pm on October 19, 2016. He weighed 8lbs 14oz and was 22in long. I remember the day he was born, as if it were yesterday. I remember being able to hold him the whole first hour of his life, and then watch my husband hold him with proudness I had never seen in him before. There was a reverence in the room as just the two of us were able to bond with our sweet boy. From those first moments with him, we knew there was something special about him… we could feel the righteousness of his valiant little spirit radiating from him and brightening the whole room… really, our whole lives.

It was the best few months of my life, as I held both of my children each day and was blessed with their spirits in our home. Colt lived for exactly 200 days (to the hour), and I literally felt my heart rip in two as I held his lifeless body at the hospital, trying to memorize every detail of his perfect face before kissing him and saying goodbye. I

didn’t know how I would ever be able to face a day without my little bubba in tow… he had spent EVERY SECOND of his life in mine, and I knew that would be a change that wasn’t easy to get used to. That walk away from my son, leaving him in the hospital without me, was the hardest walk I have ever done… and honestly, hope I ever have to do.

I don’t know why I had to lose my son… I don’t know why so many things happen that seem unfair… I don’t know why sometimes life is just hard… Some of the answers to our questions aren’t supposed to be given to us in this life, but we are instead asked to trust in the Lord and have patience to wait for his answers and his timing. This doesn’t mean we can’t ask questions, or that we have to be happy with everything that happens to us… It is ok to feel angry, sad, hurt, confused, or misunderstood. Heavenly Father gave us ALL of our emotions, and it is ok to feel them.

I LOVED our recent General Conference so so much! I truly felt that Heavenly Father was looking out for me personally through the words he inspired his servants to declare to the world. One of my favorites was by Elder Hallstrom, entitled Has the Day of Miracles Ceased?

I don’t know if this specific talk struck the same emotional heart strings in others as it did for me. But, for someone who had, just five months earlier, buried a child who was fervently prayed for by parents who desperately desired more children, it was a beautiful testimony of hope.

Elder Hallstrom posed this question:

“What about the innumerable faith-filled, priesthood-blessing-receiving, unendingly-prayed-for, covenant-keeping, full-of-hope Latter day Saints whose miracle never comes?”

If I hadn’t been paying close attention to his talk before, I sure was now. He had just described us… We were faith-filled… we gave Colt a priesthood blessing and prayed for Heavenly Father not to take him away from us… we kept our covenants… we WERE full of hope… yet, there I sat... It had been five months since I was last able to hold my son… Where was my miracle? Had the Lord forgotten about me?

Elder Hallstrom went on, “They possessed full confidence that God could save them, but if not, they had complete faith in His plan... Do we have the faith not [to] be healed from our earthly afflictions so we might be healed eternally?”

Did I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father, the one who knows me best? Was I able to accept that while the Lord could have saved my son from death, he chose not to heal him or my broken heart? This was all part of my plan, and by not healing me in this life was he doing an even greater healing of my soul? Was I being molded into a person who was worthy of the Celestial Kingdom?

I have felt what it is like to live without my child for just 5 short months… how much more painful would it be to not have one of my family members for eternity? By giving us this trial, molding us into better people, we were becoming more worthy to receive the blessings we were promised of an eternal family. Suddenly I felt like my life in this world really wouldn’t be too long, when I had an eternity to live with my son afterwards. I also felt grateful for my trial… if this is what I had to do to have to my family together FOREVER… it was worth it.

My life is not perfect, it is far from it… but I know that if I have faith, trust, and patience in my Heavenly Father, I will get to see my son again. I will get to embrace him, kiss his chubby cheeks, and even raise him in a perfect world. There are so many blessings that are waiting for me in this life, and the one I desire most, just waiting for me across the veil. Elder Hallstrom declared, “We [truly] are living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead.” This life is just a small part of our eternity… yet, it is crucial that we develop the skills and talents that will mold us into the children of God we were destined to become. I pray that each of us will have the patience to endure this life well, and let the Lord mold us... because if we do… it will all work out, and it will all be worth it.

I am so grateful for the blessings that Colt has taught me this past year. While I long for the day when I can physically hold him again, I can’t help but feel peace and hope whenever I think of him. I know that because of him I have grown closer to my savior, I have become a better person, and I am holding even more tightly to the iron rod. For this, I can be grateful for my trial, even if I wish it didn’t have to happen. I can celebrate Colt’s birthday today… celebrate the amazing son he is… and be happy that I was blessed with the miracle of being his mother.

Happy Birthday my little Colt Man… I love you.        -Mom