Colt has been serving his heavenly
mission for 2 years, today. Some days are harder to face than others, but I
have slowly learned to let go of the plan I had for my life and find joy in
the one that is laid before me.
I recently saw a Facebook post where a
woman talked about her own journey of losing a daughter. She relayed how
Heavenly Father helped her through the ordeal and strengthened her to let go.
It was a touching post and strengthened my own understanding of God’s plan for
my life. There was, however, a comment on the post that made me pause and
think: ‘Don’t you wish God would have
just… healed her instead?’
I
thought about losing my own son…
In my deepest moments of shock and
disbelief, I watched Richard give CPR to our lifeless little boy. It was then,
through sobs, that I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to spare Colt’s life.
Once the paramedics arrived, I began
to feel a twinge of hope that it was all going to be ok. They were going to
save my precious little boy!
The ambulance ride seemed to last
forever, but I remained strong and kept praying to witness a miracle. It wasn’t
long after we were wheeled into a room at the hospital, though, that I began to
lose hope. The minutes were going by and things weren’t looking good… I sat there,
tears running down my cheeks, staring at my life crumble before my eyes.
It was in these moments that I finally
submitted to my Heavenly Father’s will. I no longer prayed for Him to heal
Colt, but I prayed for Him to take my little boy into His own arms and
strengthen us who were left behind.
There have been many times, these past
two years, where I have wanted to be angry with my Father in Heaven for not
healing Colt. I have questioned why and wondered what His plan was for my life;
thinking the one I had once dreamed of would have panned out much better.
I am often left feeling like I have
lost all purpose. Who am I, then? What am I doing here? Why have you left me all
alone?
However, when I look at how much
Heavenly Father really is in the details of my life, I find hope and purpose.
Richard and I wanted a 2nd
child for several years before Colt finally came into our home. It was a time
in our lives where we wondered why our ‘righteous desire’ wasn’t being fulfilled.
This trial was almost forgotten when we finally held our handsome boy in our
arms. Once he passed away though, I understood at least part of the reason for that
particular trial of struggling to bear children.
If Colt had come when we had wished, things
would have been much different. Colt was born in Missouri; however, we were
able to move back near family only two months after his birth. His short little
life was spent surrounded by loved ones, in the most beautiful place, where we
were able to experience life to its fullest. I can’t imagine how much greater
our trials would have been had he come on my time table… and not spent so much
time with the people who loved him most.
I know, with all of my heart, that
Colt was the special spirit that was supposed to be born into our family. He
was born at exactly the right place and time. Heavenly Father’s plan WAS better
than mine.
I also know, without a shadow of a
doubt, that Colt was called home [early] for a very specific purpose. While I
may not have quite as much understanding about the plan surrounding this event,
I know Heavenly Father’s plan IS better than mine. Even if I have to remind
myself of this fact nearly every day.
Last spring, we took out a HUGE pine
tree from our front yard. It was no longer serving us, and we made the decision
to cut it down. It was a long process of my father-in-law climbing the tree,
cutting the branches as he went; followed by cutting down the trunk, section by
section, back down to the bottom. It took two whole days to get down to the
stump. After that, we had to dig… and dig… and dig… chopping off the roots as
we went, to try and get the stump out of our yard. Once we were pretty sure we
could pull it out, we chained it to the truck and drove forward. I heard the
last remaining roots breaking as the stump was pulled free. We spent a couple
more days filling in the hole, leveling the ground, and planting a new tree in
place of the huge pine.
There wasn’t as much work involved,
but we also planted a new tree in our backyard the very same day.
I had wanted these two new trees for
nearly a year (ever since we moved to the house). I followed every guideline I
could find on how to best care for them. I treated them exactly the same and
did my best to help them thrive.
To my disappointment, only a few
months after they had been planted, I noticed that one of them was struggling.
I read about what to do, trying my best to help the tree... but it wasn’t enough. One
of my trees died, despite giving it my best effort. The other, however, was
doing amazingly well.
Why did one tree survive (and even
make it to the next spring), while the other did not? They were watered the
same… fertilized the same… loved the same… and yet one couldn’t survive.
It didn’t take me long to liken this
to my own life.
Sometimes we have big plans… some of
them work out… and some of them do not. Sometimes we choose to change our course
and cut down a tree, however, sometimes our course gets changed when we don’t
want it to… even if we are praying and doing our best to help that plan thrive.
Are we willing to chop down the dead trees, even though part of us wants a miracle so they will begin to thrive again?
The trick is to let the dead trees go
and keep planting new ones; because no matter which trees thrive and which ones
fail, the sun keeps shining and every tree is beautiful. Afterall, God doesn’t want us
to be miserable, but he also doesn’t want us to stare at the same tree our
whole lives.
I love you Colt-Man. -Mom
