Headstone Reveal

Colt has been gone for 7 months, today. I decided it was time to do a headstone reveal to honor him.

Probably my favorite thing that happened with his headstone was how long it took to perfect it. We tried to get it done for his birthday, and it was there, but it wasn't exactly what we wanted... it was facing the wrong direction and had the wrong picture... but now, it is PERFECT!

The ironic thing about all the chaos with getting his headstone just right, was that Richard and I finally saw it, completed and perfect, on Colt's 200th day gone... Thanksgiving. For some reason I loved that this forever marker of Colt took the exact same amount of time to perfect as Colt was with us on this earth. It is just another one of those (many) things that are very significant to a grieving family, and it makes this stone even more special to me.

The front of his headstone is ALL about Colt. 

I LOVE pictures, and the most important detail for me was that big 8x10 picture of Colt for us to see when we visit with him. It is my favorite detail, and I love how it makes him stand out from the crowd.

We also had to add the little horseshoes, because that is his symbol; and the hat and cowboy boots, because he was our little cowboy. In fact, one of the hardest things for me this summer, was going to our first rodeo without Colt. I shed a few tears as I watched all the cute little boys around me dressed in their rodeo outfits... my heart breaking. I have always dreamed of getting a little boy that I could raise to be a cowboy, and loved dressing Colt in his plaid and blue jeans with his John Deere boots. I would have loved to watch him do rodeo one day, we will have to see if they have it in Heaven... maybe he is up there practicing for me right now! :)

The last detail that I put on the front is one of my favorite songs, since forever... 'Godspeed', by the Dixie Chicks. Just a few days after Colt was buried here, I went up to visit him, my heart in pieces. We were about to leave for Missouri without him... I had his plane ticket... his dinner cruise ticket... but I had no Colt. I sat there, pouring my heart out to him, wishing he was going with me, unable to comprehend how I was just leaving him... and then this song popped into my head. I sang it (horribly) to him right out loud, crying as I did so, and I felt at peace. I knew that he was ok, that he would be with me no matter where I went, and that he knew I loved him. I now LOVE that song even more than I used to.

The backside of Colt's headstone is about his family. (at least the most immediate ones). In all honesty, I had a hard time not listing a WHOLE BUNCH of people on his headstone... but decided to settle with just the three of us. (He is one loved little guy). My favorite part about this is the marble that ended up being across our names. To us, it looks heavenly, like angels are touching them, and I feel like that is another way that Colt is letting us know that we are not alone.

The lyrics on the back are from Colt's 2nd lullaby. My aunt made us a video, which we displayed at Colt's funeral, of all the pictures I had taken of Colt, accompanied by the BEST background music. The song that stuck out to me the most was 'Lullaby' by Gentri. I listened to that song everyday, sometimes several times, for months after Colt died. It brought me a lot of comfort, and summed up how I was feeling. I made Richard sing it for him at his birthday this year, and cried like a baby as he did so. Poor Colt probably rolls his eyes at how emotional I can be!

If you can't read the lyric in the picture, here is what it says:

I will guard you while you're sleeping, and I will be here waiting when you wake... Let this peace, set you free, and sweetly rest.

We chose the black headstone with white writing, against others advice, because that is what we liked... I'm so glad we did, because he really does stand out up there on the hill. You can't miss seeing him. He gets kind of dirty, especially because he is under a VERY dirty tree, but I actually kind of like that aspect as well. Some of my favorite memories with my family (and Colt) are going up and cleaning him off every once in awhile. It lets me keep serving him, which may sound funny, but it brings a lot of comfort.

I really don't know how it turned out so perfect, but I couldn't love it more! It is my favorite place to visit, and I enjoy being able to keep him looking festive for the seasons or holidays. I love that I get to be this guys mom, and I love that he is always letting me know that he is thinking of us just as much as we are thinking of him. Happy 7 Months!

200 Days & The Bike Analogy

Colt’s short life lasted a mere 200 days (to the hour)… and today, on Thanksgiving, at approximately 7:00 pm, Colt will officially be gone for 200 days.

I’m not exactly sure how to wrap my head around that fact, nor how I feel about it. Has he truly been gone that long? Was his time in my life really that short? Honestly, I have cherished these last 200 days almost just as much as I treasured the 200 days I got to hold my son in my arms. He was and IS a gift. I have struggled to know what to even write about today, but knew I had to write something. I prayed for Heavenly Father to guide me, and felt impressed to share with you my bike analogy.

As some of you may know, I LOVE riding my bike. A few months after Colt died, I came up with this analogy to help explain my new life to other people. My life is different... very different... and it will never be the same again. There are times I would like to return to the “before” Braquel instead of the “after” Braquel… the Braquel who didn’t know what true sorrow felt like… but most of the time I am just grateful for 200 days…

Life is like riding a bike.

When you’re born it’s all downhill. You only have to make the slightest sound and someone is there taking care of your every wish and need. Slowly your ride starts leveling out until you reach adulthood and find that your ride is not as easy as it once was. Now, it is full of ups and downs and a whole lot of pedaling along the somewhat boring, yet easy, flat trail. Sometimes the path gets pretty hard, but in the end it always seems to level off and become easier again.

Except when you go through a MAJOR trial. A trial like losing a child…

This HUGE bump in the road puts you on a very different path. This new path NEVER levels off, it NEVER goes downhill, and it NEVER will be easy again. NEVER. Yes, there will be times when the hill is not so steep, but there will also be times when you are basically going vertical and don’t know how you can possibly keep going. But you do… you have to… If you stop you will start rolling back down, which may seem like an ok idea until you realize there is nowhere to go but back up that steep mountainside.

The biggest problem with this new path is that those who haven’t climbed such steep mountains will never understand why you are having such a hard time on your ride. To them, life isn’t so hard… you make it up the hill and usually get to coast back down it for awhile. They don’t understand that your hill, or mountain, never ends…

Another problem with this new path is the rocks. Everyone’s path has many rocks and bumps, usually thrown in by other people when they make a rude comment or hurt you in some way. This is part of the path and something we all must face. However, how much harder is it to get over those rocks or through the bumps, when you are already going uphill?

Luckily there are ways that it becomes easier…

One of the blessings in our paths is the people who can see our struggle and lend a helping hand. There are those in our lives who are working fervently to remove the rocks, fill the holes, and sometimes even help push our bikes along. They are the angels of this world: a friend, a family member, or even a stranger…  And most importantly our Savior, Jesus Christ.

These ‘helpers’ are ALWAYS found along our paths, but, are we taking our eyes off the steep hill in front of us long enough to notice them? Are we counting our blessings? Are we being grateful, even though the end of our mountain isn’t found until our own death?

Sometimes it’s hard to find things to be thankful for when you are plum tuckered out… when the tears are streaming down your face and your heart rests at the graveside of someone lost much too soon.

It seems nearly impossible, right? And honestly, some days it is. There are days where the pain and the grief take me over completely, and I can’t focus on anything but survival. However, there are also many days, between those incredibly hard ones, where I am able to count my blessings. 

I found a quote the other day, which spoke to my soul…

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more Joy you can contain.”

I believe that for most people, including myself most of the time, this means that EVENTUALLY we will have great joy… after death and we are reunited with our loved ones, maybe? Part of me feels like my joy will never be full until I have Colt back in my arms, but I also have come to find that I am more joyful since he has been gone. My dad said it perfectly in his talk at Colt’s funeral:

“I thought when this happened, that the world would be a darker place… but it’s not… The world is wonderfully bright and beautiful. And I’ve never felt the sun on my face for years like I have lately… I’ve never heard the birds sing like I’ve heard them sing lately… I’ve never taken so much joy in a little girl racing her grandpa to the end of the driveway and saying, “Grandpa, I beat you.” Life has never been so precious as it is right now to us and our family, and that’s Colt’s gift to us.”

I agree with my dad. Colt gave us a gift. I find so much more joy in the little things in life than I used to. I feel more deeply… I notice people more… I’m more compassionate… I’m less selfish… I see the tender mercies. I think that is what it means to feel JOY in SORROW… I know now, that it is impossible to live a full life without the bad stuff. You have to have those opposites working together to create the whole picture.

I’m going back to my analogy…

The higher you bike up your mountain, the more amazingly beautiful the view becomes… as long as you look up. I believe that when we can see that beautiful view, it gives us the desire for others to see it too. It helps us become the ‘helpers’ on others paths instead of the ‘rock throwers’, because we care. We know how hard life’s path can be, and we want everyone to make it to the top of the mountain with us, to feel that incredible joy that comes from realizing how beautiful life really is.

For this thanksgiving, one of the things I am most thankful for is my ‘helpers’, and those who have been there for my family these 200 days. I would like to send a challenge out… ask yourself this question: Am I being a ‘helper’or a ‘rock thrower’ on (so-and-so’s) path?

I plead with everyone to be the ‘helpers’, because you never know how much just a smile can change someone’s day… I know I have received many in the last 200 days, and it has made ALL the difference.

For Colt’s 200^th day gone… and in celebration of the 200 days we were blessed with him on earth… Richard and I are donating $200 to the Temple Patron Assistance Fund through the LDS church. This charity helps send families and individuals to the temple, who otherwise could not afford the travel expenses associated with attending a temple. What we are the MOST grateful for, is our knowledge of forever families, and the blessing we have to be sealed together. There is a huge desire in us to help other families receive this amazing blessing. We feel like this is what Colt would want us to do for him, to honor him, and help him on his heavenly mission.

If any of our friends would like to donate now, or in the future, here is the link: (you can even specify to do it in memory/honor of Colt or another loved one)

https://ldsp-pay.ldschurch.org/donations/lds-church/temples.html?cde1=706&

I don't know what Heavenly Father was trying to tell me putting this anniversary directly on Thanksgiving, but I'm so grateful he did, because it has helped me remember that there is so much to be thankful for, even in the midst of a great sorrow.

"The hardest thing I've ever had to hear was that my child died. The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is live each day since that moment."

A "Grinchy" Halloween

Halloween hit me HARD. Much harder than I ever imagined it would hit.

At first I didn’t understand why I was having such a hard time… but then I realized that it was the first ‘event’ I was trying to repeat that Colt had been a part of the time before. Last Halloween he was here. I dressed my kids up in complimenting costumes, did a sibling photo shoot, took them BOTH trick-or-treating, and relished in my family that felt complete. I distinctly remember putting Colt in his carrier on my chest… his little ‘Sven’ hat on… watching Graci reluctantly go up to everyone in her Elsa costume to say trick-or-treat… It was perfect…

 

Last Halloween (Sven & Elsa)

Not this year… this year was entirely different…

This Halloween (Greek Goddess & Pegasus)

This Halloween we still got our kids complimenting costumes, however, Colt’s is one that he can’t wear. His is a little figurine… and as perfect as his costume actually turned out to be, it doesn’t erase the fact that he didn’t get to join us when we went trick-or-treating, or that we didn’t get to witness the joy he would have shown if he had been with us. I watched other kids, with their siblings, dressed up super cute... it was hard...

This is my life now… I may not like it, but it is MY plan. Sometimes the unfairness of it all consumes me, and this Halloween, it did just that…

I hate that I have to celebrate everything with my son by going to a cemetery… I hate that I have to watch all the families around me, so happy, with no clue about the sorrow I am facing every day without my child here with me. Sometimes the grief makes me feel so very alone.

I felt like somewhat of a Halloween Grinch this year… but had to put on my happy face and celebrate with my daughter. We still did everything we usually do, and more. We went to the Zoo Boo event on Saturday, and went to visit Colt afterwards in Paradise. We carved pumpkins, made pumpkin cookies, and went to TWO trunk-or-treats. We all dressed up (per Graci’s request), and watched Halloween movies all day… I tried my hardest to find joy, and I did. I loved handing out candy to all the kids (especially the ones in my class), had fun watching Graci get excited to see all her friends in their costumes or get one of her favorite treats, and enjoyed seeing many of my friends at the ward trunk-or-treat. I’m sure nobody suspected that I didn’t really want to be there… that what I really wanted was to go home, put on my pajamas, and just be alone…

The battle you face after losing a child is LONG, LONELY, and full of UPs and DOWNs. Last week there were two very joyous things that happened in my family, but also two very BIG reminders that my son was gone… My cousin returned from his two year mission and Colt’s cousin had his 1^st birthday. Both of these events were so bitter-sweet for Richard and I… we love watching those around us have happy moments, we love seeing the good things in the world… however, sometimes it is those good and happy things that make us miss Colt the most. We didn’t get to celebrate Colt’s birthday in the way that his cousin got to celebrate. We didn’t get to take cute pictures, watch him open presents, or even eat some birthday cake… We don’t get to count down the days until we are reunited with our little missionary. Our joyous reunion won’t happen until the end of our lives… whenever that may be…

I cannot count the number of times we have been shown kindness since Colt died… the tender mercies… the LOVE… But that doesn’t necessarily make everyday life easier. No matter what amazing things happen in my life, while I am so grateful, they never erase the simple fact that I have to live every day, for the rest of my life, without my son.

For these last 6 months we have been trying to find a new normal, but what I have found is that there really is no such thing as normal…

Most days I have no idea how we even survive. I suppose we just keep trying our best to live on faith and hope. When we do that, we seem to find joy in many things, and sometimes our loss doesn’t seem so debilitating… Sometimes we have a very clear picture of our purpose and plan. Most of the time we are ok… and just the little things, like a friendly smile, can melt our sorrow (even if just a little).

What about parenting a child who has experienced such a HUGE loss? I’m pretty sure this has been the biggest challenge that came with losing Colt. Graci and him were truly the best of friends, and loved each other more than I’ve ever witnessed two siblings loving each other before. How do you tell a 4 (now 5) year old that their best friend died? How do you help them deal with that grief?

Ever since Colt died, Graci has been having nightmares. These nightmares aren’t just every once in awhile, but are sometimes nightly. We have found ways to help her so they go away for a short while, but they always seem to find their way back… Some nights going to bed is filled with tears because she is so scared to go to sleep. (Most of these dreams contain something horrible happening to her or someone she loves).

The days are few and far between that Graci doesn’t tell me she misses her brother. Nearly every day, in some way, she lets me know that she is thinking of him, and especially, that she deeply misses him. Some days she sits by herself in the quiet (which is rare for her), and even sheds a few tears… She still begs me to buy him things (outfits, toys, etc.) each time we go to the store because “he would LOVE that, mom!”

Sometimes she lashes out in situations where she feels uncomfortable… she gets easily frustrated, and I think she just wants to feel like she belongs.

She LOVES when we have the chance to babysit other kids, especially babies. She wants to do the same things with them that she used to do with Colt. She has even asked me before, if I think that [the baby’s parents] would maybe let us keep them. She wants to be a big sister…

My daughter grieves… and many times she gets judged extremely harsh because of her grief. People seem to forget that she is allowed to have bad days, to feel sad… she is allowed to miss her brother and do her best to cope with her emotions. I wish I could let the world know her pain… I wish I could help everyone understand the depths of her sorrow. I see it… I feel it… I know it… However, as much as I can empathize with her, I also know that my understanding probably surpasses hers. In reality, all she probably knows is that she is, yet again, an only child who just desperately wants her best friend back.

The unfairness of losing Colt is made so much worse when you watch your 5 year old beg to visit his grave or shed some tears when she misses him…

People have so many expectations of how you should act in certain situations, and losing a child is one of them. Some people think we ‘act’ too happy… some people think we need to ‘just get over it already’… and still, others just judge us on how we handle certain situations, like parenting a grieving child.  I wish someone had all the answers and could tell me how to help Graci understand her reality, how to cope… I wish someone could tell me how to live so that my grief didn’t hit me so suddenly at times… The reality is that there are no clear answers in life, especially with something so emotional.

I’m not sure when, or if we will ever feel like a normal family again… maybe I don’t even want to…

That is ok…

However, I hope people understand (or at least try to) that we are a ‘broken’ family. We don’t need to be fixed, we don’t need advice… the only thing we really need is a smile, and maybe every once in awhile a warm hug letting us know that it’s ok that we are not ok.

Colt's Birthday Bash

Happy Birthday to our little COLT-MAN on the 19th! We actually had a really great day celebrating him with our close friends and family. These anniversaries are always a little bitter-sweet, as we wish he could be here with us in person... eating cake, unwrapping tons of gifts, and being his extra cute self. However, we have such faith and hope in God's plan that we can celebrate him and his short life, filled with peace and love. I can't even count the tender mercies we receive each day... and especially the ones we were blessed with on his birthday. God truly is watching over our little family.

We spent the first part of our day preparing... making cupcakes, shopping for his favorite foods, and taking balloons up to his headstone. It was fun to be able to think of him every second of the day and feel his love around us. Our dear dear friend Amy gave us this beautiful picture of tulips that says: "welcome to holland", because she knows how much we love that story. We are so blessed to have her as an amazing example of how to live a joyful and grateful life after you lose someone so dear. She has been there for us every step of the way through this tough trial.

We ate his favorite foods (I forgot a picture)... apples, cheese, and apple juice. We took everyone up to his grave, where Richard sang him his Lullaby... We also sent him floating lanterns, with a promise written on each one of something we would do to make the world a brighter and better place.

 I am beyond grateful for the love and support we feel from everyone towards the loss of our precious boy. So many people sent off lanterns or balloons from their homes, sent us a card or facebook post, or did their own special thing for Colt on his birthday. We truly are blessed with the BEST family and friends around.

On Saturday we were able to celebrate him again by doing another team Colt event... our Bike Ride around Bear Lake. I say this every time... but... I'm pretty sure it was my favorite event yet!

We had some of the BIGGEST GOOFBALLS with us... which always makes it so much fun!! My grandparents were even able to come and drive their truck alongside us as we rode! Colt had miles done by both of his Grandpa's, his Nana, Aunts (Ashlee, Lisa, Holly, & McKinley), Richard, Graci, and me. There is no better support group than these guys!! :)

Richard's workplace, Superior Physical Therapy, even made us an Aid Station in a box! It was full of water, gatorade, and tons of goodies to keep us all energized on the ride. We were so grateful to them for doing this for us, and also for always supporting us in whatever capacity they are able.

It really was such a beautiful ride (for the most part), except for when we hit the head wind that made it feel like we were climbing a huge mountain! It wore most of us out pretty quick, and some of us had to stop early! :( But we did our best and that is what really matters!!

I love the peace I feel when we do an event, and the closeness I feel to my sweet boy. There is always at least one moment, (usually when I'm alone), when I can feel him so strongly with me... often when I am worn out and need a hand! There were a few times during this ride that I suddenly felt like someone gave me a little push from behind... once I even looked back to see who was there... there was never anyone... so I figured it was Colt helping me to keep going, letting me know he was there.

So... none of us were actually able to finish the whole loop... Two of us (Richard and Lisa) could have... but we ran out of time! The rest of us were pretty ok to be done after 38 miles, and we decided if we do it again we need to go when its just a little warmer, and we have trained more. The furthest any of us had even gone this year on our bikes was 9 miles... and some hadn't been on a bike for over a year! I guess we are just crazy! It really was a blast, and I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to go with!! Love them all!!!