Stormy Skies

Today my sweet Colt would have turned three years old. It seems fitting that it is a stormy day, as Colt came into the world during a Big Missouri Thunderstorm. This type of weather always reminds me of him, in more ways than just one…

When I was about eighteen, we went on a family trip to the island of Kauai. I was on the beach, with my sister, when a storm began coming in. Sand and waves collided stronger as the sky filled with dark clouds. Wind carried my hair as I stood knee-deep in the churning water, rain pouring down, looking out at the vast ocean before me. I took in the beauty of that storm and allowed it to energize me. My sister begged me to go inside, but I wasn’t afraid. I remember jumping through the waves and feeling more alive and free than I ever had before.

https://fineartamerica.com/featured/kauai-storm-steven-michael.html

I often feel this same way towards the storm I face each day when I wake up [again] without my son. While some life storms pass quickly, this is one that will last the duration of my lifetime. It seems to rage now just as strongly as it did the day I held my sons’ lifeless body, trying to memorize the details of his face.

Often, it seems like the safer path is to seek shelter as I become fearful of the waves exploding below me and the rain plummeting above. It all seems like too much, and I start feeling bitter, depressed, and full of self-pity. At times these feelings begin to take over and I wonder if I will surrender to their enticing promise of ease and validation.

The sorrow of living without Colt is devastatingly crushing. It came first as I walked out of the hospital without Colt in my arms, and again as I went to bed next to an empty crib. It flooded me as I woke up the next day realizing that the nightmare I had experienced wasn’t just a dream… And it haunts me every day as I wonder how different my life would be if he were here to enjoy it too.

There isn’t a day… a moment… that passes without me thinking about Colt. He is in every breath I take, and the most vicious storm I have ever been asked to walk through. Some days appear too hard to face. It seems like every time I turn there is a new milestone that I am missing, and a new reminder of what I don’t get to have. It would be so effortless to give in to the storm.

However, since this storm never passes from my sky, I don’t get very far in life if I sit inside every day feeling sorry for myself. The only way I move forward is when I venture onward, out in the turmoil. It is then that I find myself feeling just how I did on that island in Hawaii many years ago… fearless. When I face the storm head-on it begins to energize me. I keep going because I’m not afraid anymore, but eager to experience the beauty. As I do this, the storm slowly becomes a wonderful part of who I am.

One of the greatest marvels in nature is when we observe landscapes that have been shaped by forces outside themselves.

https://horseshoebend.com/best-time-visit-horseshoe-bend/

The turmoil they have experienced is what makes them the beautiful places they are. These special sites seem to stand more proudly than others, showing off their splendor, calling to those who have passed through pain like them. They inspire.

So it is with us, when we experience trials. If we continue on in joy, letting the storm mold us as we faithfully cling to God, we can become even more wonderful than we were before.

Thomas S. Monson said:

“I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments… Fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”

We are promised that our sorrows will be made up to us, if not in this life then the next. Our future is very bright, and we are never left alone if we turn to our Savior for help. Though we walk through many trials, we can find joy.

Even though every joy I feel is shadowed with the thought of my son not being here with me, so is each heartache I encounter lightened by him cheering me on from the other side.

While this storm doesn’t ever fully leave my sky, I’m learning to stand in the middle of it, looking up at that unbridled sky while taking a deep breath, and continue forward with a smile. It is then that I start feeling the sun on my face and look up to see that the rain has lightened and I am stronger.

Let Go and Trust

Colt has been serving his heavenly mission for 2 years, today. Some days are harder to face than others, but I have slowly learned to let go of the plan I had for my life and find joy in the one that is laid before me.

I recently saw a Facebook post where a woman talked about her own journey of losing a daughter. She relayed how Heavenly Father helped her through the ordeal and strengthened her to let go. It was a touching post and strengthened my own understanding of God’s plan for my life. There was, however, a comment on the post that made me pause and think: ‘Don’t you wish God would have just… healed her instead?’

 I thought about losing my own son…

In my deepest moments of shock and disbelief, I watched Richard give CPR to our lifeless little boy. It was then, through sobs, that I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to spare Colt’s life.

Once the paramedics arrived, I began to feel a twinge of hope that it was all going to be ok. They were going to save my precious little boy!

The ambulance ride seemed to last forever, but I remained strong and kept praying to witness a miracle. It wasn’t long after we were wheeled into a room at the hospital, though, that I began to lose hope. The minutes were going by and things weren’t looking good… I sat there, tears running down my cheeks, staring at my life crumble before my eyes.

It was in these moments that I finally submitted to my Heavenly Father’s will. I no longer prayed for Him to heal Colt, but I prayed for Him to take my little boy into His own arms and strengthen us who were left behind.

There have been many times, these past two years, where I have wanted to be angry with my Father in Heaven for not healing Colt. I have questioned why and wondered what His plan was for my life; thinking the one I had once dreamed of would have panned out much better.

I am often left feeling like I have lost all purpose. Who am I, then? What am I doing here? Why have you left me all alone?

However, when I look at how much Heavenly Father really is in the details of my life, I find hope and purpose.

Richard and I wanted a 2^nd child for several years before Colt finally came into our home. It was a time in our lives where we wondered why our ‘righteous desire’ wasn’t being fulfilled. This trial was almost forgotten when we finally held our handsome boy in our arms. Once he passed away though, I understood at least part of the reason for that particular trial of struggling to bear children.

If Colt had come when we had wished, things would have been much different. Colt was born in Missouri; however, we were able to move back near family only two months after his birth. His short little life was spent surrounded by loved ones, in the most beautiful place, where we were able to experience life to its fullest. I can’t imagine how much greater our trials would have been had he come on my time table… and not spent so much time with the people who loved him most.

I know, with all of my heart, that Colt was the special spirit that was supposed to be born into our family. He was born at exactly the right place and time. Heavenly Father’s plan WAS better than mine.

I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Colt was called home [early] for a very specific purpose. While I may not have quite as much understanding about the plan surrounding this event, I know Heavenly Father’s plan IS better than mine. Even if I have to remind myself of this fact nearly every day.

Last spring, we took out a HUGE pine tree from our front yard. It was no longer serving us, and we made the decision to cut it down. It was a long process of my father-in-law climbing the tree, cutting the branches as he went; followed by cutting down the trunk, section by section, back down to the bottom. It took two whole days to get down to the stump. After that, we had to dig… and dig… and dig… chopping off the roots as we went, to try and get the stump out of our yard. Once we were pretty sure we could pull it out, we chained it to the truck and drove forward. I heard the last remaining roots breaking as the stump was pulled free. We spent a couple more days filling in the hole, leveling the ground, and planting a new tree in place of the huge pine.

There wasn’t as much work involved, but we also planted a new tree in our backyard the very same day.

I had wanted these two new trees for nearly a year (ever since we moved to the house). I followed every guideline I could find on how to best care for them. I treated them exactly the same and did my best to help them thrive.

To my disappointment, only a few months after they had been planted, I noticed that one of them was struggling. I read about what to do, trying my best to help the tree... but it wasn’t enough. One of my trees died, despite giving it my best effort. The other, however, was doing amazingly well.

Why did one tree survive (and even make it to the next spring), while the other did not? They were watered the same… fertilized the same… loved the same… and yet one couldn’t survive.

It didn’t take me long to liken this to my own life.

Sometimes we have big plans… some of them work out… and some of them do not. Sometimes we choose to change our course and cut down a tree, however, sometimes our course gets changed when we don’t want it to… even if we are praying and doing our best to help that plan thrive. Are we willing to chop down the dead trees, even though part of us wants a miracle so they will begin to thrive again?

The trick is to let the dead trees go and keep planting new ones; because no matter which trees thrive and which ones fail, the sun keeps shining and every tree is beautiful. Afterall, God doesn’t want us to be miserable, but he also doesn’t want us to stare at the same tree our whole lives.

I love you Colt-Man.                  -Mom