The Unexpected Answer

Today is the 8^th anniversary of Richard and I’s first date. Today also marks 600 days since Colt’s death. This past Sunday we were able to attend church at the same ward he lived in most of his life. We sat in almost the exact same spot at church that we sat in, with Colt, for the last time (the very day he died). Today I am feeling the weight of losing him… the weight of trying to put on a happy face even when I kind of wish I could cry… Today I am reminded that I have lived 3 times longer without my sweet Colt than what I was blessed to live with him on this earth.

Today I am humbled by how much God loves each of us as individuals, even when we forget.

I was driving to a friend’s house the Thursday evening before Christmas when Colt’s lullaby came on in my car. My mood quickly shifted from eager and excited to quiet and somber. The tears filled my eyes as I thought about my sweet boy and how much I was missing him this Christmas season. I started praying (something I seem to do often in my car). I poured out my heart about all I had been feeling and asked my Heavenly Father to please send me a miracle. I had been really struggling and missing my blue-eyed boy, and wanted a reminder that it was all going to be ok.

Upon arrival at my friend’s house, however, it was easy to kind of forgot about my prayer, and I spent the rest of the evening having fun with some of my best girlfriends.

The next morning felt fairly normal. Richard left for work on time as I continued getting myself and Graci ready for the day. However, I heard Richard walk back through our front door about 10 minutes after he had left for work, which was not a normal occurrence at all. I listened as his footsteps come towards me down the hall and around the corner into our bedroom. He whispered to me that he had found Graci’s favorite cat, Tigger, run over a few houses down.

My heart sank to my toes, and I asked him about 5 times if he was sure it was our cat. I had never seen him leave our backyard and we have several orange cats in our neighborhood, how could it be him? He kept reassuring me that it was in fact Tigger, and he had already picked him up off the road. My heart was broken, and I was so nervous to break the news to Graci who was oblivious in the other room.

The thought came, “Really? I ask for a Miracle and this is what I get? Another family member we love… dead?”

School was going to start in about 20 minutes and I debated on whether to tell Graci now or wait until after she got home. She was playing with our puppy, Kona, on the floor and something was telling me not to keep it from her. I moved closer to her and softly said, “Graci…. Tigger got ran over last night….” Her eyes immediately filled with tears and she started sobbing. I scooped her up into my lap and let her cry for a few minutes before talking about it a little more. We talked about how sad we were and how much we would miss him… we talked about all the funny things he did and how much he loved Graci ‘the most’… we talked about how his spirit was now in heaven with Colt and all our other loved ones…

I gave her the option to go to school a little late, but if you know Graci you know that she, of course, did not want to miss even a few minutes of school. Her eyes were red and swollen as I sent her out the door with Richard, but I knew she would be fine. Graci has always been the resilient type, and death is all too familiar to her little six-year-old self.

As the day went on, I had a hard time focusing on much of anything except how much I was already missing my ‘Colt’ cat. He was a special member of our family and a sweet reminder of our little angel. He came into our lives on Colt’s Angel Day, and I always felt like he was a gift from heaven. He seemed to bring a similar spirit into our home that had been missing since Colt died, and even had several physical characteristics that reminded me of him. He admired Graci, much like her brother did, and they had a very special relationship. It was easily one of my biggest joys, watching those two play in the backyard together…

There was a big part of me that wondered why it had to be him. Why did it have to be our ‘Colt’ cat… a pet with so much significance in our family, and especially to our sweet Graci. However, since the day we took him into our home I had been unable to shake the feeling that he would die young, much like the angel who I felt had sent him to us.

This feeling was very similar to the feeling I had throughout Colt’s short life. Somehow, I knew Colt was going to die, but I didn’t know I knew until it happened. However, as the day he returned to his Heavenly Father grew closer, the feeling got stronger and stronger. I had so many warnings and feelings that, looking back, were signs for me to prepare for something extremely hard and hold my family tight. The Holy Ghost witnessed to me that his death had been planned since before his birth.

The Lord was with me through that trial, and while I wish it hadn’t happened at all, it occurred in the most perfect way possible. The same thing was happening with the trial of losing our cat. Heavenly Father had it planned out perfectly, and everything was falling into place in the most amazing way. It was a sweet reminder to me that our Father’s plan is perfect, and there is purpose in every little thing we face.

As I witnessed these small miracles surrounding Tigger’s death unfold, I quickly came to realize that this was the answer to my pleading prayer in my car that night. This was the reminder I wished for, to remember that everything has a plan… a purpose… and it was all going to turn out ok.

While this Christmas season has seemed harder for me to face than most, I am so grateful for all my Heavenly Father has given me, including my trials. But, most especially, for the people I’ve been given to love here in this life. Through them, the miracles kept pouring out this past week, making Colt feel close, and helping me enjoy the season (finally).

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

                                                                                -Love Braquel

I Can't Keep Going

Everyone has moments in life where their body forces them to rely on other people to keep going. As someone who doesn’t particularly enjoy admitting to needing any help from anyone…ever… I don’t love when I am forced to seek it… but I have learned to embrace those times for what they teach me.

Last weekend, Richard ran his 2^nd marathon. He had been training and was hoping to beat his time from last year. The alarm went off for him early on Saturday; he dressed in his team colt shirt, ate a small breakfast, and caught the bus that took him to the top of the canyon where the race began.

The Top of Utah Marathon doesn’t allow cars on the first 14 miles of the course, so that is where we waited to cheer him on. When we finally made out his outline running several hundred yards away, I noticed that he still looked powerful. He seemed so energized when he got up to us and even stopped for half a second to give Graci and I hugs and kisses before going on his way.

We stopped every two to three miles, and he continued to look great! There was no sign of him slowing down.

At about mile 20 he started getting a little more tired and crampy, even slowing to a brisk walk for a bit, but still looking strong and able.

When we saw him at mile 23, he didn’t look so good anymore. His walk had slowed… his complexion was grey… and there was no longer a smile on his face (which is a big deal for Richard). He was going slow enough Graci thought it would be fun to walk with him. I threw my camera and phone in the car with my parents, and the two of us joined his walk.

He wasn’t himself and didn’t even laugh at my playful banter that he usually loves so much. He was out of breath, and we were walking pretty slow… We didn’t make it very far before he had to stop. He was tingly everywhere, even his tongue, and couldn’t continue to stand, let alone walk.

Luckily there were two firemen stationed right where we were at this point, who gave him water and talked through his symptoms. We sat there for 45 minutes trying to do anything to help him feel better so he could go on. However, after trying to stand up for the second time, unsuccessfully, he turned to me with tears in his eyes and said, “I don’t think I can keep going, honey.”

I think both those firemen and I knew that even if he thought he could keep going, it wouldn’t have been a good idea. He was so pale and shaky… We knew this decision was the smartest.

I told him we would “see him at the finish line”.

The firemen loaded him into their side by side to take him to the aid station, as Graci and I continued making our way along the course to find the rest of our family. They should have been waiting not far away, but after walking nearly a mile with no sign of them, I knew I needed to change my approach. I borrowed another spectator’s phone and dialed my mom. She answered and told me she had seen Richard and was going to send my dad to get us.

In the few minutes it took my dad to get to us, I had made a decision to continue walking the course and finish the race. It was for our little ColtMan, we couldn’t leave it incomplete. When my dad pulled up, I loaded Graci in the car, told him my plan, and kept walking.

I could feel Colt with me as I walked, and had a feeling of peace as I realized that this was exactly how the race was supposed to end. After all, our life had never gone as planned.

I was joined for the last few blocks by my mom and two aunts; all crossing the finish line as a team, wearing our ‘Colt’ gear.

I quickly made it over to the aid station to check on Richard who didn’t look or feel much better, even after downing a whole I.V. bag, and seemed pretty disappointed that he had to quit early. I told him we finished for him, which helped ease his disappointment and even put a small smile back on his face.

It took several hours, after leaving and returning home, for him to regain his color and appetite, but once it was back he was STARVING!

I don’t know why his body quit on him… there was absolutely no reason it should have… in fact, he looked so much better than he did last year at this same race. He had never had problems getting the CO2 out of his body before... why did he struggle today? Whatever the reason, it did feel good to be the one to pick up the pieces and help him when he needed for once.

There have been numerous situations in our marriage where the roles have been reversed. So many times I have had to turn to Richard and express my feelings about not being able to keep going... during every tough pregnancy… each painful miscarriage… the unbearable death of my perfect little boy… sleepless nights where I’m sobbing because of my heartache… scary anxiety attacks that pop up out of nowhere… and just those days where I have too much on my plate…

He has never turned me away or told me I was being silly, but instead holds me and lets me cry. He lifts my burdens and is often found carrying me through the races of my life.

Richard’s love for me and our kids is the closest thing to Christ-like love I have ever witnessed. He always sacrifices his desires and comfort for us and makes sure we are taken care of before himself.

It is easy to understand my Saviors love when I have an earthly reminder each and every day of how precious and important I am as an individual. I know that just as I was able to pick up the pieces when Richard’s body failed him, or he does for me when I’m having a bad day, Christ is always there to help us when we can no longer continue on our life’s journeys.

When no other person on earth can ease our burdens and soothe our aching hearts, the Savior does. He is real, he is there, and he loves you more than you could possibly imagine. He will help each of us finish this race because we are promised that we will fail to do it by ourselves.

I have endured 500 long days of living without my precious little boy… 500 days of praying for the strength to get out of bed and pass his empty room… 500 days of relying on my Savior to carry me through this trial. Without his sacrifice and promise that I get to hold my son again, I know I would give up… and I wouldn’t let someone help me… I would stay between mile marker 23 and 24 forever…

So even though I have my own pride issues, and struggle to ask for help, I have learned that is exactly what I have to do. If I want to see my son again, I have to do every possible thing I can, and then ask for help to cover the rest.

Reaching for You

I can often be found looking through Colt’s old pictures. My biggest wish is that I could pluck him from those pictures and hold him tight. I don’t think I would ever let go…

Though I often feel him close, my arms have ached to hold him for 1 year and 100 days… and sometimes that ache seems impossible to bear any longer.

I have never felt an ache this deep, constant, and heart-wrenching.

The momma whale that carried her dead baby for 17 days…

I understand her…

I get it…

I know that if it had been possible for me to keep Colt’s lifeless body, I would have. But within a few short hours after holding my healthy happy boy, I had to leave him… laying on a hospital bed… and say goodbye.

For four days I looked forward to holding him again. There was a part of me that wondered if Jesus would work one of his miracles, and that when I walked into the room Colt would amazingly wake up. I prayed for this scenario. I hoped for it with all my might. I didn’t know how I could live the rest of my life without him, when just the past four days had been so torturous. However, my logical side told me this was extremely unlikely, and I knew holding him, one last time, would probably be enough for now.

That day came…

It was so peaceful to walk into a room, that I know was full of angels, and dress Colt one last time. After pinning on his little stripling warrior pin… I held him. I held him and tried my hardest to memorize how that felt… I hoped it would be enough.

It didn’t take long to realize that it wasn’t…

I don’t think even living a lifetime with him in my life would have been enough…

But, I’m pretty sure living an eternity with him will be.

This picture, while not the best, has become one of my very favorites, because I feel like he is reaching for me in it as well. (Although, since I took it, I know he really just wanted to play with my camera).

When life gets too hard to bear… when my trial seems impossible to get through… I try to remind myself that he is right there. I don’t have to reach through the photo to find him… he is already right next to me waiting for me to simply ask him for a hug.

He hasn’t left me, but is waiting for me to come home.

While these past 465 days have been quite the battle for me, I know that my little family will all be together again… and technically we already are… most people just can’t see it.

I will never stop reaching for my little guy… but will continue to cling to him as he helps lead me back to the place where I belong. And maybe, just maybe, that is the greatest blessing of all.

Pain is Pain

Colt has been an angel in heaven for 400 days today. I have lived twice as long without him as I was able to live with him… and honestly, that stings a little.

I had a hard time in the days leading up to this anniversary, probably for obvious reasons, but it didn’t make a lot of sense to me at the time. I am usually so good at keeping trials in perspective and not letting them get me down. Not a couple days ago… not last week… I was having a hard time, and I couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. I wanted my pain to go away…

I remember going through a time where I was extremely bitter towards everyone who tried to compare their incident of a miscarriage to my losing Colt… I have experienced both, and couldn’t see how anyone could compare the two, let alone try to tell me that they understood what I was going through… They didn’t… To me, there was no comparison between a miscarriage or losing a child.

There was one night that I was so angry at people for downgrading my pain, by comparing it to their own “lesser pain”, that I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up very late, unable to wrap my head around what I was feeling… I started reading articles and blog posts on the subject. Most of them had no idea what they were talking about because they had only experienced one of these trials. Then I came across an article of someone who had experienced both a miscarriage and the loss of their child (just like me)… and it changed me.

While the writer shared many of my same feelings… that these trials and losses are VERY different… he also wrote: “Too often we compare our misfortunes with others, ‘upping the ante’ and thinking to ourselves, ‘Well, that’s not a big deal what they went through – they only had a miscarriage. I’ve been through much worse…’”

Wow!

That is such a powerful statement to me, which made me realize… pain is pain… Why does it matter if my pain over losing my 6 month old son is less or more painful than someone else’s pain over a miscarriage? Because in actuality, maybe our pain is more similar than I was realizing. Who am I to say that I get to grieve more… that I know because I have done both… that my pain is more validated than theirs…

While I have been through a lot, there are also things that I have not experienced… I have never had to watch my child suffer in a hospital bed, and eventually succumb to their disease… I have never held a baby in my arms who didn’t get to take their first breath… I have never heard the devastating news that I would never bear my own children…

We all have a different story, and we all experience pain in a different way… Nobody can understand my pain because they didn’t have the same relationship with Colt that I did… Just how I can’t understand others pain because I haven’t walked in their shoes…

Instead of trying to measure pain, I have learned to love. I have thrown out the comparisons and realized that when people feel pain, it doesn’t matter why.

Last week I was sad… I wanted to trade places with someone who had never lost a child… I wanted that pain to go away. In those moments I thought I would trade anyone else’s trials for my own. But the truth is, everyone feels pain… everyone suffers… everyone has trials… everyone has good days and bad… everyone wishes they lived a different life at times…

I actually really love my life… I wouldn’t trade it for the world! And while sometimes the pain gets to be more than I can bear, I know that one day it will all be made right. Everything I think I am missing out on right now will be made up to me in heaven. God did not intend for my happiness to end when my son died, but he did want me to learn how to see the miraculous goodness, in the midst of trials, that is flooding into my life every day.

My uncle posted this quote on facebook today… It seemed perfect for me to hear at a time when I have been struggling to love my own life:

“Don’t be gloomy. Do not dwell on unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. ‘Accentuate the positive.’ Look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life.”      – Gordon B. Hinckley

I know that when I am looking for the positive, counting my blessings, and giving thanks to my Father in Heaven, I am a MUCH happier person. When I forget myself and serve others, I start finding my purpose, and see more clearly the light.

I believe we were so excited to come to this earth and experience it… all of it. I believe with all my heart that I agreed for Colt to die. I don’t know if I realized how hard it would be, but I know I was excited to prove to my Father in Heaven that I could be his faithful servant, no matter what.

It’s ok to have bad days… weeks… months… or maybe even years… Your pain is your own, and it’s ok to feel it. But, when you’re ready, put on a smile and see what adventure this world has waiting for you next.

The article I read can be found here: http://www.mikeskiff.com/is-a-miscarriage-the-same-as-losing-a-child/

My Favorite Stage

I didn’t expect to feel so peaceful this morning. In fact, I have been dreading today for several months, not wanting it to come. Another milestone missed… Another reminder that he’s not here… Another day I have to endure wondering what Colt would be doing now… However, I am not feeling any of these things today. I am at TOTAL peace.

18 months. Colt would probably be repeating everything I said (just like his sister did at that age). He would almost certainly be making more messes than I had time to clean up. Sunday would be his first attempt at nursery…. He would be entering my FAVORITE stage!

I have received so many answers, just this week, that I cannot feel sorry for myself or wonder what he would be like if he were here.

Colt doesn’t have to repeat what I say, because he speaks purely truth and light. Instead of making messes, he is cleaning up ALL of our messes (particularly mine). I may not get to drop him off at nursery on Sunday, but I know he regularly attends meetings, and maybe even has the chance to be the teacher. He never made it to my favorite stage… but he is the BEST version of himself, and I’m quite certain THAT is really my favorite stage.

Colt isn’t a different person, he is just better. I don’t have to wonder about his personality, interests, looks, likes & dislikes, mannerisms, or abilities. We do not magically change these things about ourselves when we die; we are the SAME people. We still enjoy the things we enjoyed while living on earth. The only difference is that we KNOW the truth and are better at living it.

I’ve always had a testimony of Colt doing missionary work for the spirits who do not have a knowledge of the gospel. It is one of the many reasons I love to go to the temple. I often imagine that Colt has been teaching the person I get to do work for, and it brings me so much comfort to feel like I’m helping him. I may not get to help him learn to read or with a science project, but I get to help him give someone the chance at an eternal family.

Even as a spirit, Colt probably misses us nearly as much as we miss him. He is in a beautiful and peaceful place, but it isn’t complete without his family all there with him. While he gets to visit us often, and has an amazing knowledge of The Plan, he longs for us to all live together again too. I know he is working tirelessly to make sure we get to do that, in fact, I believe that is his main purpose.

Just this week I read “The Message” by Lance Richardson. I have carted it along with me for months, and never had the chance to get it read… but I know I needed it now, not then. My favorite quote from that book says:

Certain members of each family chose, long ago, before this life, to die… that they might better help their families to endure the challenges to come.

When I shared this quote with my mom she said, “Well why did he choose that!” We laughed, but it was the perfect question to ask, even in a joking matter. Why did he choose this path? Why did I agree to it? The answer to me is simple… because we want to live together forever. I know I am a far better person with Colt’s help from the other side. I work harder than I ever have before to make sure I am being a person that is worthy to live not only with my Heavenly Father again, but with my precious son. He is more motivation that I need to live a good and faithful life. I CANNOT knowingly disobey the commandments when I think about him waiting for me.

We all sin… we all make mistakes… EVERY DAY. I do things constantly that I have to look back on and repent of. I am so far from a perfect person. However, I am a person who has learned that it is ok to make those mistakes… it is ok to sin and repent over and over again… We just have to make sure we are always TRYING to do better. As long as I am doing my best, which looks pretty pathetic at times, Christ will make up for all that I lack.

I know I will see Colt again. I pray constantly that he is the first person who greets me when I get to cross that veil into Paradise. I miss him more than I thought it was possible to miss someone, especially someone I only knew for 6 months. The love I feel for that little boy expands far beyond the boundaries of this world, and I know he can feel it.

I believe that if we could see all the people who are cheering us on, giving us promptings, and helping us on our way we would be in awe at the love that surrounds us. We are NEVER alone. We all have people who love us who are doing their best to make sure that we make it back to them. We cannot see them, but they know us. They know our struggles… they try to comfort us when we hurt… they feel joy when we smile… They LOVE us.

I cannot wait for the day I get to hold my sweet Colt in my arms again, look into his big blue eyes, and tell him I love him. But until that day, I will continue working WITH him to help others feel the goodness of God’s plan and receive the blessings that the temple brings. I once may not have liked the fact that we all agreed for Colt to die long ago, and especially that it actually happened... but it really is turning out to be my favorite stage... and I guess that is part of the beauty of God's Plan.

Find the Light in the Darkness

Struggling… burdened… alone… misunderstood… sad… pretty much sums up how my life has been going lately.

I’ve found it hard to find light in my darkness. My life has not turned out how I planned… it is not what I wanted nor expected.

I thought by now I’d have several kids running around my house… I thought growing my family would be easy… I thought health problems were simple to overcome, if you tried hard enough… I thought people were nice once you got out of high school… I thought life wasn’t going to be so hard.

Yet, here I am… the mother of an angel… raising ONE child in my home… knowing my body will not house another sweet spirit… with [minor, yet annoying] health issues… still dealing with judgments from others who don’t understand me… and struggling to find my place and purpose in this world.

My own life seems undeserved sometimes… yet, I have watched so many of my friends also go through unbearable trials in their lives that seem equally unearned.  I often get caught up in the unfairness of it all. Why does life seem to be the cruelest to those with the biggest hearts?

How is it fair that just in the month of January I had to watch 3 of my friends celebrate birthdays of their loved ones who left this earth too early… cry as 1 honored her son on his 5^th angel day (he would be graduating high school this year)… see another lose her beloved cousin who was just starting her adult life… and observe countless others struggle with physical, mental, and emotional ailments EVERY DAY.

This isn’t how life is supposed to be, right? We’re supposed to be happy…

Exactly.

We are SUPPOSED to be happy, even through the really HARD, UNFAIR, HORRIBLE TRIALS that come our way. We are told to be grateful and find Joy in our journey.

Our Heavenly Father knows that life is hard, but he still pleads with us to be happy. He loves to watch us as we smile, play with our kids, laugh, and welcome each other with warm hugs. He has blessed us with more than we could ever possibly thank him for. He just wants us to remember that it is all worth it.

We DO deserve the trials that come… we need them. Without them we would never become the people we were meant to be. And if it doesn’t make sense right now, someday it will.

Right before Christmas I received the most thoughtful letter from Richard. In it he compared me to Mary, and pointed out all the similarities between us… The main one being, we both had to watch our sons return to their Heavenly Father without us. I hadn’t really thought about myself in the ways he described me… but something he wrote has stuck with me, and often reminds me of the WHY. He said, “Colt has made you the BEST version of yourself.”

I have never been a bad person… unthoughtful, ungrateful, or unloving… but I have become so much better of a person because of the trial of living without my son.

He taught me to love more, serve with my whole heart, and never take a person or a moment for granted. He taught me to look past the pretenses, the first impressions, and hurt feelings to see the person behind all of that. I have learned that everyone is fighting a battle that most people don’t know about, and that most are just doing the best that they can.

That also goes for me… sometimes I forget to forgive myself and say, ‘I am doing the best that I can’.

Some days are horribly hard… I can barely force myself out of bed… I am grumpy… I am sad. I forget my blessings and I dwell on the really unfair parts of my life.

The beauty about the trials is that there are always ten times the blessings… you just have to look.

I have the power to choose every day what I will focus on. I can look at the trials and be discouraged, or I can find the abundant blessings and feel peace. I want to choose blessings. I want to choose peace. I want to choose joy. When I do that, I know that I will find those things I am longing for.

One of my favorite quotes says:

Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

I believe that ALL of us can find the light and be happy. It may not always be easy [trust me I know], but I promise that it will always be worth it.

Making a New Year Great

I had been dreading the New Year for a few months, not wanting it to come. However, I kind of forgot about those feelings until we started counting down the last few seconds of 2017. With 5 seconds to go I felt that dread come over me once again… 4: I’m not ready… 3: please make it stop… 2: don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry… 1: here it comes… and then my heart unexpectedly stopped as everyone shouted ‘Happy New Year’. Time had passed, like it always seems to do, regardless of me trying to will it not to.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m curious to see what 2018 brings, and am even hopeful that it will turn out to be a good year… but I am also so sad that 2017 is over, which seems to confuse most people. It was our worst year, by far, so why wouldn’t we want it to end and have a fresh, new start? That answer is simple… it may have been our worst year yet, but it was also our BEST year… 

2017 was the year we had both of our children together, after several years of trying to grow our family unsuccessfully. 2017 was the year I got to spend 4 glorious months with Colt… holding him close, listening to his infectious giggle, and seeing his kindness shine through those big blue eyes. 2018 is the first year, of probably many, that I have to endure without even one moment spent holding my son, and that is heart breaking to me. How can I be happy about a year when that is what I have to look forward to?

Last year the New Year brought such a promise of good things to happen! We started it off with blessing our sweet little Colt on the 1st. It was the best baby blessing I had ever heard, and I felt so proud of my little family. We were going to finally graduate school, buy our first home, live all together again… but one of those things never came… Colt was with us when we bought our home, but we never got to spend even one night in it together as a family… he died just a week and a half after we closed…

However, even though losing Colt was, and is, the worst thing I can imagine happening to me… I wish I could do this year over again. I would relive all that pain and sorrow for even just one more second with Colt… I would write his obituary, pick out a place to bury his little body, and design his headstone over and over if it meant I was able hold him while he slept just one more time.

The important thing to remember about time is that once it is gone, you can never get it back. The memories you make are all that you have, so make the seconds count…

While it’s hard to imagine this New Year being a good one, without Colt in my arms, I can make it great. After all, life is what we make it, and we can choose to be happy or we can choose to not. I don’t want to just survive the rest of my life, in sorrow, but I want to live a good life that Colt can smile down on and anticipate our arrival to live with him again. I will continue to choose happiness, a positive attitude, and a heart full of love. I will make this year a good one, one that my Father in Heaven is proud of, and one that I continue to grow into the person I am meant to be.

2018 may not be what I once hoped it would be for me, but life never has been, and I’ve always come out on top so far. It may not be my best year, but I’m almost certain it will also not be my worst. (Or at least I hope not).

And now, I can finally say… Happy New Year

(Also, these are my favorite pictures, for many reasons, one of them being his outfit. We were able to find a bigger size after he passed away, and it is identical to what he is buried in. His little knit cowboy boots even still fit... and so I love to look at these and imagine him dressed like this when I get to hold him again at the resurrection.)