Reaching for You

I can often be found looking through Colt’s old pictures. My biggest wish is that I could pluck him from those pictures and hold him tight. I don’t think I would ever let go…

Though I often feel him close, my arms have ached to hold him for 1 year and 100 days… and sometimes that ache seems impossible to bear any longer.

I have never felt an ache this deep, constant, and heart-wrenching.

The momma whale that carried her dead baby for 17 days…

I understand her…

I get it…

I know that if it had been possible for me to keep Colt’s lifeless body, I would have. But within a few short hours after holding my healthy happy boy, I had to leave him… laying on a hospital bed… and say goodbye.

For four days I looked forward to holding him again. There was a part of me that wondered if Jesus would work one of his miracles, and that when I walked into the room Colt would amazingly wake up. I prayed for this scenario. I hoped for it with all my might. I didn’t know how I could live the rest of my life without him, when just the past four days had been so torturous. However, my logical side told me this was extremely unlikely, and I knew holding him, one last time, would probably be enough for now.

That day came…

It was so peaceful to walk into a room, that I know was full of angels, and dress Colt one last time. After pinning on his little stripling warrior pin… I held him. I held him and tried my hardest to memorize how that felt… I hoped it would be enough.

It didn’t take long to realize that it wasn’t…

I don’t think even living a lifetime with him in my life would have been enough…

But, I’m pretty sure living an eternity with him will be.

This picture, while not the best, has become one of my very favorites, because I feel like he is reaching for me in it as well. (Although, since I took it, I know he really just wanted to play with my camera).

When life gets too hard to bear… when my trial seems impossible to get through… I try to remind myself that he is right there. I don’t have to reach through the photo to find him… he is already right next to me waiting for me to simply ask him for a hug.

He hasn’t left me, but is waiting for me to come home.

While these past 465 days have been quite the battle for me, I know that my little family will all be together again… and technically we already are… most people just can’t see it.

I will never stop reaching for my little guy… but will continue to cling to him as he helps lead me back to the place where I belong. And maybe, just maybe, that is the greatest blessing of all.