Though I
often feel him close, my arms have ached to hold him for 1 year and 100 days…
and sometimes that ache seems impossible to bear any longer.
I have never
felt an ache this deep, constant, and heart-wrenching.
The momma
whale that carried her dead baby for 17 days…
I understand
her…
I get it…
I know that
if it had been possible for me to keep Colt’s lifeless body, I would have. But
within a few short hours after holding my healthy happy boy, I had to leave him…
laying on a hospital bed… and say goodbye.
For four
days I looked forward to holding him again. There was a part of me that wondered
if Jesus would work one of his miracles, and that when I walked into the room Colt
would amazingly wake up. I prayed for this scenario. I hoped for it with all my
might. I didn’t know how I could live the rest of my life without him, when
just the past four days had been so torturous. However, my logical side told me
this was extremely unlikely, and I knew holding him, one last time, would
probably be enough for now.
That day
came…
It was so
peaceful to walk into a room, that I know was full of angels, and dress Colt
one last time. After pinning on his little stripling warrior pin… I held him. I
held him and tried my hardest to memorize how that felt… I hoped it would be
enough.
It didn’t
take long to realize that it wasn’t…
I don’t
think even living a lifetime with him in my life would have been enough…
But, I’m pretty sure living an eternity with him
will be.
This
picture, while not the best, has become one of my very favorites, because I feel
like he is reaching for me in it as well. (Although, since I took it, I know he really just wanted to play with my camera).
When life
gets too hard to bear… when my trial seems impossible to get through… I try to
remind myself that he is right there. I don’t have to reach through the photo
to find him… he is already right next to me waiting for me to simply ask him
for a hug.
He hasn’t
left me, but is waiting for me to come home.
While these
past 465 days have been quite the battle for me, I know that my little
family will all be together again… and technically we already are… most people
just can’t see it.
I will never
stop reaching for my little guy… but will continue to cling to him as he helps
lead me back to the place where I belong. And maybe, just maybe, that is the
greatest blessing of all.
This breaks my heart. I wish the best for you and your family.
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