Monday, June 11, 2018

Pain is Pain

Colt has been an angel in heaven for 400 days today. I have lived twice as long without him as I was able to live with him… and honestly, that stings a little.

I had a hard time in the days leading up to this anniversary, probably for obvious reasons, but it didn’t make a lot of sense to me at the time. I am usually so good at keeping trials in perspective and not letting them get me down. Not a couple days ago… not last week… I was having a hard time, and I couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. I wanted my pain to go away…


I remember going through a time where I was extremely bitter towards everyone who tried to compare their incident of a miscarriage to my losing Colt… I have experienced both, and couldn’t see how anyone could compare the two, let alone try to tell me that they understood what I was going through… They didn’t… To me, there was no comparison between a miscarriage or losing a child.

There was one night that I was so angry at people for downgrading my pain, by comparing it to their own “lesser pain”, that I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up very late, unable to wrap my head around what I was feeling… I started reading articles and blog posts on the subject. Most of them had no idea what they were talking about because they had only experienced one of these trials. Then I came across an article of someone who had experienced both a miscarriage and the loss of their child (just like me)… and it changed me.

While the writer shared many of my same feelings… that these trials and losses are VERY different… he also wrote: “Too often we compare our misfortunes with others, ‘upping the ante’ and thinking to ourselves, ‘Well, that’s not a big deal what they went through – they only had a miscarriage. I’ve been through much worse…’”

Wow!

That is such a powerful statement to me, which made me realize… pain is pain… Why does it matter if my pain over losing my 6 month old son is less or more painful than someone else’s pain over a miscarriage? Because in actuality, maybe our pain is more similar than I was realizing. Who am I to say that I get to grieve more… that I know because I have done both… that my pain is more validated than theirs…

While I have been through a lot, there are also things that I have not experienced… I have never had to watch my child suffer in a hospital bed, and eventually succumb to their disease… I have never held a baby in my arms who didn’t get to take their first breath… I have never heard the devastating news that I would never bear my own children…

We all have a different story, and we all experience pain in a different way… Nobody can understand my pain because they didn’t have the same relationship with Colt that I did… Just how I can’t understand others pain because I haven’t walked in their shoes…

Instead of trying to measure pain, I have learned to love. I have thrown out the comparisons and realized that when people feel pain, it doesn’t matter why.


Last week I was sad… I wanted to trade places with someone who had never lost a child… I wanted that pain to go away. In those moments I thought I would trade anyone else’s trials for my own. But the truth is, everyone feels pain… everyone suffers… everyone has trials… everyone has good days and bad… everyone wishes they lived a different life at times…

I actually really love my life… I wouldn’t trade it for the world! And while sometimes the pain gets to be more than I can bear, I know that one day it will all be made right. Everything I think I am missing out on right now will be made up to me in heaven. God did not intend for my happiness to end when my son died, but he did want me to learn how to see the miraculous goodness, in the midst of trials, that is flooding into my life every day.

My uncle posted this quote on facebook today… It seemed perfect for me to hear at a time when I have been struggling to love my own life:

“Don’t be gloomy. Do not dwell on unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. ‘Accentuate the positive.’ Look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life.”      – Gordon B. Hinckley

I know that when I am looking for the positive, counting my blessings, and giving thanks to my Father in Heaven, I am a MUCH happier person. When I forget myself and serve others, I start finding my purpose, and see more clearly the light.

I believe we were so excited to come to this earth and experience it… all of it. I believe with all my heart that I agreed for Colt to die. I don’t know if I realized how hard it would be, but I know I was excited to prove to my Father in Heaven that I could be his faithful servant, no matter what.

It’s ok to have bad days… weeks… months… or maybe even years… Your pain is your own, and it’s ok to feel it. But, when you’re ready, put on a smile and see what adventure this world has waiting for you next.

The article I read can be found here: http://www.mikeskiff.com/is-a-miscarriage-the-same-as-losing-a-child/

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