My Favorite Stage

I didn’t expect to feel so peaceful this morning. In fact, I have been dreading today for several months, not wanting it to come. Another milestone missed… Another reminder that he’s not here… Another day I have to endure wondering what Colt would be doing now… However, I am not feeling any of these things today. I am at TOTAL peace.

18 months. Colt would probably be repeating everything I said (just like his sister did at that age). He would almost certainly be making more messes than I had time to clean up. Sunday would be his first attempt at nursery…. He would be entering my FAVORITE stage!

I have received so many answers, just this week, that I cannot feel sorry for myself or wonder what he would be like if he were here.

Colt doesn’t have to repeat what I say, because he speaks purely truth and light. Instead of making messes, he is cleaning up ALL of our messes (particularly mine). I may not get to drop him off at nursery on Sunday, but I know he regularly attends meetings, and maybe even has the chance to be the teacher. He never made it to my favorite stage… but he is the BEST version of himself, and I’m quite certain THAT is really my favorite stage.

Colt isn’t a different person, he is just better. I don’t have to wonder about his personality, interests, looks, likes & dislikes, mannerisms, or abilities. We do not magically change these things about ourselves when we die; we are the SAME people. We still enjoy the things we enjoyed while living on earth. The only difference is that we KNOW the truth and are better at living it.

I’ve always had a testimony of Colt doing missionary work for the spirits who do not have a knowledge of the gospel. It is one of the many reasons I love to go to the temple. I often imagine that Colt has been teaching the person I get to do work for, and it brings me so much comfort to feel like I’m helping him. I may not get to help him learn to read or with a science project, but I get to help him give someone the chance at an eternal family.

Even as a spirit, Colt probably misses us nearly as much as we miss him. He is in a beautiful and peaceful place, but it isn’t complete without his family all there with him. While he gets to visit us often, and has an amazing knowledge of The Plan, he longs for us to all live together again too. I know he is working tirelessly to make sure we get to do that, in fact, I believe that is his main purpose.

Just this week I read “The Message” by Lance Richardson. I have carted it along with me for months, and never had the chance to get it read… but I know I needed it now, not then. My favorite quote from that book says:

Certain members of each family chose, long ago, before this life, to die… that they might better help their families to endure the challenges to come.

When I shared this quote with my mom she said, “Well why did he choose that!” We laughed, but it was the perfect question to ask, even in a joking matter. Why did he choose this path? Why did I agree to it? The answer to me is simple… because we want to live together forever. I know I am a far better person with Colt’s help from the other side. I work harder than I ever have before to make sure I am being a person that is worthy to live not only with my Heavenly Father again, but with my precious son. He is more motivation that I need to live a good and faithful life. I CANNOT knowingly disobey the commandments when I think about him waiting for me.

We all sin… we all make mistakes… EVERY DAY. I do things constantly that I have to look back on and repent of. I am so far from a perfect person. However, I am a person who has learned that it is ok to make those mistakes… it is ok to sin and repent over and over again… We just have to make sure we are always TRYING to do better. As long as I am doing my best, which looks pretty pathetic at times, Christ will make up for all that I lack.

I know I will see Colt again. I pray constantly that he is the first person who greets me when I get to cross that veil into Paradise. I miss him more than I thought it was possible to miss someone, especially someone I only knew for 6 months. The love I feel for that little boy expands far beyond the boundaries of this world, and I know he can feel it.

I believe that if we could see all the people who are cheering us on, giving us promptings, and helping us on our way we would be in awe at the love that surrounds us. We are NEVER alone. We all have people who love us who are doing their best to make sure that we make it back to them. We cannot see them, but they know us. They know our struggles… they try to comfort us when we hurt… they feel joy when we smile… They LOVE us.

I cannot wait for the day I get to hold my sweet Colt in my arms again, look into his big blue eyes, and tell him I love him. But until that day, I will continue working WITH him to help others feel the goodness of God’s plan and receive the blessings that the temple brings. I once may not have liked the fact that we all agreed for Colt to die long ago, and especially that it actually happened... but it really is turning out to be my favorite stage... and I guess that is part of the beauty of God's Plan.