Struggling… burdened…
alone… misunderstood… sad… pretty much sums up how my life has been going
lately.
I’ve found
it hard to find light in my darkness. My life has not turned out how I planned…
it is not what I wanted nor expected.
I thought by
now I’d have several kids running around my house… I thought growing my family
would be easy… I thought health problems were simple to overcome, if you tried
hard enough… I thought people were nice once you got out of high school… I
thought life wasn’t going to be so hard.
Yet, here I
am… the mother of an angel… raising ONE child in my home… knowing my body will
not house another sweet spirit… with [minor, yet annoying] health issues… still
dealing with judgments from others who don’t understand me… and struggling to
find my place and purpose in this world.
My own life
seems undeserved sometimes… yet, I have watched so many of my friends also go
through unbearable trials in their lives that seem equally unearned. I often get caught up in the unfairness of it
all. Why does life seem to be the cruelest to those with the biggest hearts?
How is it
fair that just in the month of January I had to watch 3 of my friends celebrate
birthdays of their loved ones who left this earth too early… cry as 1 honored
her son on his 5th angel day (he would be graduating high school
this year)… see another lose her beloved cousin who was just starting her adult
life… and observe countless others struggle with physical, mental, and
emotional ailments EVERY DAY.
This isn’t
how life is supposed to be, right? We’re supposed to be happy…
Exactly.
We are
SUPPOSED to be happy, even through the really HARD, UNFAIR, HORRIBLE TRIALS
that come our way. We are told to be grateful and find Joy in our journey.
Our Heavenly
Father knows that life is hard, but he still pleads with us to be happy. He
loves to watch us as we smile, play with our kids, laugh, and welcome each
other with warm hugs. He has blessed us with more than we could ever possibly
thank him for. He just wants us to remember that it is all worth it.
We DO
deserve the trials that come… we need them. Without them we would never become
the people we were meant to be. And if it doesn’t make sense right now, someday
it will.
Right before
Christmas I received the most thoughtful letter from Richard. In it he compared
me to Mary, and pointed out all the similarities between us… The main one being,
we both had to watch our sons return to their Heavenly Father without us. I
hadn’t really thought about myself in the ways he described me… but something
he wrote has stuck with me, and often reminds me of the WHY. He said, “Colt has
made you the BEST version of yourself.”
I have never
been a bad person… unthoughtful, ungrateful, or unloving… but I have become so
much better of a person because of the trial of living without my son.
He taught me
to love more, serve with my whole heart, and never take a person or a moment
for granted. He taught me to look past the pretenses, the first impressions,
and hurt feelings to see the person behind all of that. I have learned that
everyone is fighting a battle that most people don’t know about, and that most
are just doing the best that they can.
That also
goes for me… sometimes I forget to forgive myself and say, ‘I am doing the best
that I can’.
Some days
are horribly hard… I can barely force myself out of bed… I am grumpy… I am sad.
I forget my blessings and I dwell on the really unfair parts of my life.
The beauty
about the trials is that there are always ten times the blessings… you just
have to look.
I have the
power to choose every day what I will focus on. I can look at the trials and be
discouraged, or I can find the abundant blessings and feel peace. I want to
choose blessings. I want to choose peace. I want to choose joy. When I do that,
I know that I will find those things I am longing for.
One of my
favorite quotes says:
Someday, everything will make perfect
sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep
reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.
I believe
that ALL of us can find the light and be happy. It may not always be easy [trust
me I know], but I promise that it will always be worth it.
Such beautiful words, Braquel. I understand if you ever feel sad, but don't ever feel alone, so many love you, I know I do! <3
ReplyDeleteOh Kylie, I just LOVE you! I know I’m never physically alone, but sometimes I feel so alone in my trial... it’s weird to explain... but I’m so grateful for you and your friendship! Thanks for reminding me that I am NEVER without a good friend!
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