Friday, February 2, 2018

Find the Light in the Darkness

Struggling… burdened… alone… misunderstood… sad… pretty much sums up how my life has been going lately.

I’ve found it hard to find light in my darkness. My life has not turned out how I planned… it is not what I wanted nor expected.

I thought by now I’d have several kids running around my house… I thought growing my family would be easy… I thought health problems were simple to overcome, if you tried hard enough… I thought people were nice once you got out of high school… I thought life wasn’t going to be so hard.

Yet, here I am… the mother of an angel… raising ONE child in my home… knowing my body will not house another sweet spirit… with [minor, yet annoying] health issues… still dealing with judgments from others who don’t understand me… and struggling to find my place and purpose in this world.

My own life seems undeserved sometimes… yet, I have watched so many of my friends also go through unbearable trials in their lives that seem equally unearned.  I often get caught up in the unfairness of it all. Why does life seem to be the cruelest to those with the biggest hearts?

How is it fair that just in the month of January I had to watch 3 of my friends celebrate birthdays of their loved ones who left this earth too early… cry as 1 honored her son on his 5th angel day (he would be graduating high school this year)… see another lose her beloved cousin who was just starting her adult life… and observe countless others struggle with physical, mental, and emotional ailments EVERY DAY.

This isn’t how life is supposed to be, right? We’re supposed to be happy…

Exactly.

We are SUPPOSED to be happy, even through the really HARD, UNFAIR, HORRIBLE TRIALS that come our way. We are told to be grateful and find Joy in our journey.

Our Heavenly Father knows that life is hard, but he still pleads with us to be happy. He loves to watch us as we smile, play with our kids, laugh, and welcome each other with warm hugs. He has blessed us with more than we could ever possibly thank him for. He just wants us to remember that it is all worth it.

We DO deserve the trials that come… we need them. Without them we would never become the people we were meant to be. And if it doesn’t make sense right now, someday it will.

Right before Christmas I received the most thoughtful letter from Richard. In it he compared me to Mary, and pointed out all the similarities between us… The main one being, we both had to watch our sons return to their Heavenly Father without us. I hadn’t really thought about myself in the ways he described me… but something he wrote has stuck with me, and often reminds me of the WHY. He said, “Colt has made you the BEST version of yourself.”

I have never been a bad person… unthoughtful, ungrateful, or unloving… but I have become so much better of a person because of the trial of living without my son.

He taught me to love more, serve with my whole heart, and never take a person or a moment for granted. He taught me to look past the pretenses, the first impressions, and hurt feelings to see the person behind all of that. I have learned that everyone is fighting a battle that most people don’t know about, and that most are just doing the best that they can.

That also goes for me… sometimes I forget to forgive myself and say, ‘I am doing the best that I can’.

Some days are horribly hard… I can barely force myself out of bed… I am grumpy… I am sad. I forget my blessings and I dwell on the really unfair parts of my life.

The beauty about the trials is that there are always ten times the blessings… you just have to look.

I have the power to choose every day what I will focus on. I can look at the trials and be discouraged, or I can find the abundant blessings and feel peace. I want to choose blessings. I want to choose peace. I want to choose joy. When I do that, I know that I will find those things I am longing for.

One of my favorite quotes says:
Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.


I believe that ALL of us can find the light and be happy. It may not always be easy [trust me I know], but I promise that it will always be worth it.


2 comments:

  1. Such beautiful words, Braquel. I understand if you ever feel sad, but don't ever feel alone, so many love you, I know I do! <3

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  2. Oh Kylie, I just LOVE you! I know I’m never physically alone, but sometimes I feel so alone in my trial... it’s weird to explain... but I’m so grateful for you and your friendship! Thanks for reminding me that I am NEVER without a good friend!

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