Its Ok to Not be Ok

Today I am supposed to have an 11 month old boy... Today I am wishing I was snuggling that boy, relishing in his last month of his first year, instead of cleaning the house and looking for a job... Today I am sad… Today I wish my life were different...

It has been rough lately, with so many things going on with family... events for Colt… Graci's 5th birthday... I miss him. I sat watching my daughter, so excited on her birthday five days ago, and my heart began to ache... Never would I get to experience my son unwrapping his gifts, or picking out his birthday cake... Never would I get to give him a birthday interview and measure him on our height chart to see how much he’d grow… Never…

Except, maybe… just maybe… I might get to someday. I don’t have all the answers, and I definitely don’t know as much as I probably should, but I do understand that one day my sorrows will be gone, and I will get my son back. I just have to make it through these hard days (sounds easy right??). I may not cry every day, in fact some days I can see the beauty of my life so clearly… but, not a day goes by that I don’t miss my son, or feel his absence… Even the times that I can feel him close seem to pale in comparison to the giggles, snuggles, and joy we experienced when he lived in our home…

Today is a hard day… even with the lord sending people right & left to help me through. The friend who brought us cookies yesterday… the one who posted a quote on facebook, which I desperately needed to hear, today… the thoughtful gift of my amazing brother… the outfit that just happened to be returned and back on the shelf at the store, which was one of my favorites of Colt’s, that I got rid of before he passed (I bought it)… the smiles, kind words, and love of numerous family and friends have been flooding into my life. The Lord is watching out for me… even though I have been far less than perfect lately… I don’t feel so alone… but nothing can make the pain subside sometimes…

So today, I don’t get to show off my amazing 11 month old, share all the new things he can do now, start planning an epic 1^st birthday party, or be in shock that we are almost to that 1^st birthday… I get to be sad, and that’s ok too.