One Month

It’s been one month. One month since I looked into Colt’s big blue eyes, and heard his contagious giggle. One month since we played peek-a-boo and I bounced him to sleep. One month since I received one of his slobbery kisses and watched him crawl all through the house. One month. I have no idea how that much time has passed, how I’ve survived it, or how I’m going to make it hundreds of more months without him. It’s been a month of extreme ups and downs, full of moments of unimaginable grief and others of amazingly tender blessings. 

 

There are many things I have clung to since Colt passed away. I love holding his pictures, cuddling his blankets, and writing about his life. This week I have been planting him flowers and designing our Team Colt running shirts. It helps me to keep him around and always near. I have several pieces of jewelry that I was given after he died; each with its own special meaning and purpose. I choose one carefully each morning to help me get through the day. I hold him close. My heart longs for him. I hate trying to live without him.

There have been many times throughout this month where I have asked, “why?” I have often thought of how hard it was for us to get a second child here, just to have him taken away. I think back on the years we spent trying to conceive, and how they ended in miscarriage when we did. Finally, we got our perfect angel… and he was. Why did we have to go through this hard trial? Why does anyone have to go through the loss of someone that was supposed to outlive them? I may not know much, but I do know that this trial is mine and there is a reason that it happened. Heavenly Father didn’t just give me this on a whim, but I knew it would happen before I even came down to this earth.

The hard part is moving past the “why’s”, and trusting in the Lord. He has promised that “all things must come to pass in their time.” The trials we face have a divine purpose, and are there to help us come unto Christ so we can receive all the blessings he wants to bestow upon us. The question is; am I strong enough to walk by faith and endure to the end? That is the true test of mortality, and one that I am praying to have the strength for. I never imagined something happening in my life that was this difficult. I never imagined the patience I would have to learn as I wait to join my son. I am growing, I am learning, I am being molded into a better person.

While I have clung to many things since Colt’s death, the thing that helps me most is my testimony. I know that Heavenly Father’s plan is perfect. I believe this with all of my heart. It doesn’t make it easy, but it keeps me humble. I also know that Colt is with me often, and that I will get to hold him again. I can’t imagine going through life without this knowledge. It is what keeps me going and makes me want to be better. I know he is happy and wants me to be happy, and I know that I can make it through this life, even joyously, and have my eternal family together again.

I don’t have all the answers, very few actually; and I don’t know why some of us have to go through the trials we do, but I know enough. I know enough to have faith. I know enough to keep moving forward. I know enough to make peace with losing my precious baby and let God carry me. While there have been dark times this past month, there have also been so many blessings. I have literally felt the angels helping me stand, helping me function. God’s hand is in our lives so much deeper than anyone on this earth can begin to comprehend. He loves us, and just wants us to make it home.

So, while this past month has been the hardest of my life, I am standing strong. There are times when I can’t bear the pain, and I may cry all day, but during those times I turn to the Lord and he helps me find my footing again. I don’t know if I will ever feel complete during my time here on earth, but I have faith that I will one day. And until that time comes I will cling to the things that make it easier to bear, and face each storm that comes with faith.

“You went away…how dare you…I miss you…they say I’ll be ok…but I’ll never get over you.”

-Over You, Miranda Lambert