Home To Me

Sometimes it feels like my life is taking much too long. I get very impatient waiting for the moment I cross the veil and get to embrace my son again. I often wonder how I am going to make it decades more without him physically with me when I am so eager after only 7 weeks. How do I even begin to mend the big hole I feel each time it hits me that he is gone? How do I keep living life when all I want is to hold my baby? Luckily, when I am feeling like this it doesn’t take long for the lord to send me comfort. This morning while I was getting ready he did so through music.

One of my favorite groups is Gentri. Many of their songs have been a lot of help these past weeks. This morning their song “Home” came on and gave me such a sense of hope and peace. The words they sung spoke to my soul and hit all my emotions perfectly. While I was listening I closed my eyes, and could picture Colt singing the verses to me. (I often like to think he would have been a great singer like his dad). I felt a few tears fall down my cheeks as I took in all the words and let them fill my heart…

Sudden I left you, so far away

Unknown my day of return

If I could write you, words that would stay

I'd give you a promise to hold

That we never end

Dry all your sorrows, though bitter they be

Our parting be a moment that fades like a dream

And soon dear you'll find me where the stars meet the sea

Safe in the whisper that calls you home to me.

Your heart though it's aching, burdened and frail

Longing to follow behind.

But if I could give you, a gift that remains

Love that endures through all time

Never to end

So dry all your sorrows, though bitter they be

Our parting be a moment that fades like a dream

And soon dear you'll find me where the stars meet the sea

Safe in the whisper that calls you home to me.

If I could show you (just) for a moment beauty unseen

Peace that surrounds you (and) hope that leads you home to me.

And soon dear you'll find me where the stars meet the sea

Safe in the whisper that calls you home

That calls you home

That calls you home to me.

I do long for Colt, I have great sorrow trying to live without him. But I know, with a sureness, that my time here without him will be like a moment. I think that when I return home I will laugh at how impatient I was here waiting to be with him again. I know that he is often with us, and have had several friends and family members tell me stories of feeling Colt with them. He is now one of the angels, helping our Father in Heaven lead us home to be with them all again. Heavenly Father, with the help of his angels are in every little detail of our lives. I have personally felt them with me every second in the days after Colt’s death. These words ring so true to me:

“If I could show you (just) for a moment beauty unseen

Peace that surrounds you (and) hope that leads you home to me.”

I believe that if we could see our ancestors and posterity who surround us, we would be in awe. We are not alone, we will never be alone. Although I cannot physically see and touch my son, I know he is with me. That doesn’t stop me from wishing time to move a little faster, but it is a huge comfort. I am learning what it means to ‘hold him in my heart’ while I can’t hold him in my arms, but I know that one day I will. One day our family will again be complete. Until then, I will keep listening to this song, and find peace as I live with faith.