Choosing to be Happy

     Two months ago I gave Colt one last kiss on his forehead and said goodbye… Two months ago I took him on his last walk; to the cemetery… Two months ago I felt an emptiness I never thought was possible.

     While these last two months have been the hardest of my life, I continue to choose happiness.

     One of my mom’s favorite things to talk about is how ‘we choose happiness’, even though it would be easy for us to wallow in our sorrows. We could choose to lock ourselves up and cry all day, every day. We could choose to become bitter and envy those who don’t know the depths of our pain. We could choose a path that would take us further from the healing power of the atonement, and our Savior. While I do my fair share of wallowing, I also try my best each day to be happy. This choice is the main reason I am able to keep living a full life, when two months ago I felt like my whole world was ripped out of my arms.

     Choosing happiness isn’t always easy. There are times I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I let myself stay here for awhile… feeling sad. However, when I feel ready, I pick myself off the floor and try again.  While it is never easy, I never give up, and eventually I start to feel better.

     Three nights ago I couldn’t sleep, and my thoughts took over. I had just gotten home from a family reunion, surrounded by my loved ones, and was now having to face reality again. I couldn’t stop thinking about Colt… how much I missed him… how empty my arms have felt since he left… I made my way to ‘his bedroom’ that has a box filled with his things. I found his little stuffed giraffe that used to sit above his crib, took it to my couch, cuddled it on my chest just how he loved to sleep, and I sobbed. I pleaded with God to send him back… that I couldn’t do this anymore. I cried for almost two hours… God obviously didn’t answer my pleadings, but somehow he did comfort me and I was at last able to sleep. I felt better the next morning, and I chose to be happy again.

     These last two months have been full of moments similar to this. I know what true sorrow feels like. It would be easy for me to NOT choose happiness, but I can’t afford to do that. I need to try for my family, especially Graci… I need to try for myself... I need to try so that I can see my son again… That’s really all that we are asked to do, isn’t it? TRY? Heavenly Father knows us, and knows we are not perfect. He simply asks that we try our best and he will bless us.

     Life is not easy, I look at the trials some people have to face and can’t imagine how they live in any way resembling happiness. It seems like some have every strike against them. I look at them and see how hard it is for me, when I have lived an extremely blessed life with very few trials. How do some people keep going? But they do… Some of the happiest people I know are the ones facing the most treacherous obstacles in life. They choose to be happy.

     I think those who face extreme trials know the importance of their choices, and the impact that each decision… word… deed… has on others. They know the joy that comes when a stranger gives them a smile, a neighbor brings by some raspberries, or a friend calls just to chat. They realize that life isn’t made important by the big things we accomplish, but by the small deeds that are done each day to bring joy to others. They learn this secret, and choosing happiness doesn’t seem so hard anymore. Their joy comes from bringing others closer to each other, and helping them find happiness.

     My joy is found when I can share my love and knowledge of the gospel. Every step I take is made with the hope that it will bring me closer to my son. I live my life so that I can be with him again. That is all I desire. I want my family to be with me in the eternities. I know what it’s like to live for two months without one of them, and I want ALL of them with me forever. The best way I can make that happen is by choosing happiness, and living a life worthy of a place with my Father in Heaven. By doing the best I can, I can hold my Colt again, and finally feel like my world is complete.