While these last two months have been the hardest of my
life, I continue to choose happiness.
One of my mom’s favorite things to talk about is how ‘we
choose happiness’, even though it would be easy for us to wallow in our
sorrows. We could choose to lock ourselves up and cry all day, every day. We
could choose to become bitter and envy those who don’t know the depths of our pain.
We could choose a path that would take us further from the healing power of the
atonement, and our Savior. While I do my fair share of wallowing, I also try my
best each day to be happy. This choice is the main reason I am able to keep
living a full life, when two months ago I felt like my whole world was ripped
out of my arms.
Choosing happiness isn’t always easy. There are times I want
to cry, I want to scream, I want to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I let
myself stay here for awhile… feeling sad. However, when I feel ready, I pick
myself off the floor and try again. While
it is never easy, I never give up, and eventually I start to feel better.
Three nights ago I couldn’t sleep, and my thoughts took
over. I had just gotten home from a family reunion, surrounded by my loved
ones, and was now having to face reality again. I couldn’t stop thinking about
Colt… how much I missed him… how empty my arms have felt since he left… I made
my way to ‘his bedroom’ that has a box filled with his things. I found his little
stuffed giraffe that used to sit above his crib, took it to my couch, cuddled
it on my chest just how he loved to sleep, and I sobbed. I pleaded with God to
send him back… that I couldn’t do this anymore. I cried for almost two hours…
God obviously didn’t answer my pleadings, but somehow he did comfort me and I
was at last able to sleep. I felt better the next morning, and I chose to be
happy again.
These last two months have been full of moments similar to
this. I know what true sorrow feels like. It would be easy for me to NOT choose
happiness, but I can’t afford to do that. I need to try for my family,
especially Graci… I need to try for myself... I need to try so that I can see
my son again… That’s really all that we are asked to do, isn’t it? TRY?
Heavenly Father knows us, and knows we are not perfect. He simply asks that we
try our best and he will bless us.
Life is not easy, I look at the trials some people have to
face and can’t imagine how they live in any way resembling happiness. It seems
like some have every strike against them. I look at them and see how hard it is
for me, when I have lived an extremely blessed life with very few trials. How
do some people keep going? But they do… Some of the happiest people I know are
the ones facing the most treacherous obstacles in life. They choose to be
happy.
I think those who
face extreme trials know the importance of their choices, and the impact that
each decision… word… deed… has on others. They know the joy that comes when a
stranger gives them a smile, a neighbor brings by some raspberries, or a friend
calls just to chat. They realize that life isn’t made important by the big
things we accomplish, but by the small deeds that are done each day to bring
joy to others. They learn this secret, and choosing happiness doesn’t seem so
hard anymore. Their joy comes from bringing others closer to each other, and
helping them find happiness.
My joy is found when I can share my love and knowledge of
the gospel. Every step I take is made with the hope that it will bring me
closer to my son. I live my life so that I can be with him again. That is all I
desire. I want my family to be with me in the eternities. I know what it’s like
to live for two months without one of them, and I want ALL of them with me
forever. The best way I can make that happen is by choosing happiness, and
living a life worthy of a place with my Father in Heaven. By doing the best I
can, I can hold my Colt again, and finally feel like my world is complete.
It is easy enough to be pleasant,
ReplyDeleteWhen life flows by like a song,
But the man worth while is one who will smile,
When everything goes dead wrong.
For the test of the heart is trouble,
And it always comes with the years,
And the smile that is worth the praises of earth
Is the smile that shines through tears.
It is easy enough to be prudent,
When nothing tempts you to stray,
When without or within no voice of sin
Is luring your soul away;
But it's only a negative virtue
Until it is tried by fire,
And the life that is worth the honor of earth
Is the one that resists desire.
By the cynic, the sad, the fallen,
Who had no strength for the strife,
The world's highway is cumbered to-day;
They make up the sum of life.
But the virtue that conquers passion,
And the sorrow that hides in a smile,
It is these that are worth the homage on earth
For we find them but once in a while.
by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
LOVE <3
Delete